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lisar2008 (10/15/2008)
I knew right away who my MOH would be so I asked her first. I had these nice cards which looked like wedding invites printed with little poems that related to how I met them or something about them and then I asked them to be my MOH and bridesmaids.
I don;t think there is a particular order- who to ask first - so it depends on how close of a friend/family you are with these girls.
The problem occurs when there is more than one best friend and you don;t know who to choose, because feelings will be hurt.
Thanks Lisa - the dilemma isn't quite who to ask first - all my BM's have been picked and asked already long ago. I'm trying to decide who if any of them will get to be my MOH. Basically who will be the person to stand beside me and sign the certificate as witness. Also the person to lead all the things that MOH is supposed to lead with help from the other BM's. I may just pick out of a hat at this point as i'm tired of deliberating. LOL
2 B Wed July 10, 2009!
Me (29) + FH (32) + his son (12) = 10 years together in unwedded bliss. 
Done so far:
Booked venue & coordinator, fought with FMIL, made up with FMIL, lost e-ring, found e-ring... only 6.5 mos to go! OMG!
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Group: Forum Members
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Wow! You sound just like me. I'm in a very similar situation with my wedding party.
Here is my story.
I got engaged last year in October. When it happened my friend Jen, whom I had not hung out with nor heard from in months, congratulated me on Facebook. She proceeded to say we should go out and celebrate. So her and my other friend Denise went out one evening for dinner and we stopped in a bridal store before dinner and started to get ideas.
After that night I was very excited about things. Up until that point I had not really felt so good about my engagement because when I told my mother I was engaged she wasn't exactly thrilled. (Long story).
We all continued our talks that night on msn in a group chat. Jen had said she'd help me in any way in planning the wedding and even would love to do a speech. After hearing that I decided to ask both girls to be in my wedding party. I made Denise the MOH as out of all my old high school friends, she was the one I saw and kept in touch with the most. Jen was the one who set me up with FH but we didn't keep in touch as often these days.
Anyway, they both accepted and we were all excited and everything.
Then another friend (Amanda) I had always felt the closest with back in high school, we had lost touch after graduating and I had not seen her in about 6 years or so. I only got one phone call from her during that time frame and that was it. We reconnected on Facebook about 7 months before I got engaged and had hung out about twice. She just got married and had been looking into becoming a wedding planner. She had lots of great ideas and said she'd love to help me and even said she too would love to make a speech at the wedding if that was ok. So I decided to ask her to be my second bridesmaid.
Then in Jan. of this year Amanda and I went to a bridal show together and had so much fun. We came back to my place for a girl's night slumber party that turned into us talking all night long. I vented about my families reaction to my engagement and she filled me in on her life from when we had lost touch. She came up with amazing ideas for my wedding and I was so happy for her help. I decided to make her Matron of Honor. So I was going to have a Maid of Honor and Matron of Honour and a bridesmaid.
Then came time for me to go dress shopping. I really wanted at least two of my girls if not all with me for opinions. Well all of them except for my Maid of Honour had excuses to to be able to come. So my MOA and my mom came.
I posted pics of the dress for the other two girls to see and get opinions and they responded.
I had other things I had asked their opinion on though and they never gave me their opinion. This is where things go crappy.
Once my mom came around on this things and we had a long talk about it and my mom was ok with my engagement, she started to get involved. She said I should have asked my sister and FH's sister to be in the wedding party because they have cars and can drive us places. She also said it would be the nice thing to do to ask FH's sister and if I asked my sister maybe it would be a way for us to get closer.
Thing is, I'm not close with FH's sister and not close with mine (though I want to be) and I wasn't asked to be in my sister's wedding party. My sister never returns my phone calls and I barely see her. I try and try to get close to her or get in touch with her but nothing. She had a baby last year so for the first time I'm an Aunt and barely see my niece. That whole situation breaks my heart.
So anyway as the month's went on it got to the point now that I have not heard from Jen since I'd say about March. And Amanda, I didn't hear from her for about 3 months and then I finally got a hold of her on xbox live and she told me about all this crap going on her life and how she might be leaving her hubby and all this stuff. We made plans for her to come spend a weekend here for a girl's night and she said she had a bunch of wedding stuff to bring me that I could look through and see if I wanted any of it. Then at the last minute when she's suppose to be leaving to come here, she calls and makes an excuse that she can't come. Something about her hubby an his guy friends are there and they are getting drunk and they might do something to her dog and she was afraid of leaving the dog or something.
We chatted for a long time that night and she said she'd make it up to me and that in a few weeks she was moving in with her grandma and could come hang out with me. That was end of August and I have not heard from her at all. I have tried calling lots of times, no answer. I message her when I see her on xbox live and she's on facebook daily and never responds to my messages.
In the meantime, FH's best man backed out so FH's has two guys now instead of three. Which is making me think of cutting someone but who? It seems both Amanda and Jen are MIA. My mom thinks I should cut Jen because she has a tendency to drink a lot and Aleks (FH) thinks I should cut Amanda because she's flaky and Jen is the one who set us up.
On the other hand I have been thinking of cutting them both and asking my sister in hopes that if she says yes it might help us develop a closer relationship.
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Hi there,
WOW - sounds like your situation is way more complex than even mine! Sorry you're going through this kind of stress during what is supposed to be a happy time.
Why does your FH think you should cut Amanda? While you don't see her every day it seems to me like she's been the best of the lot - she came dress shopping w/ you and you have stayed in touch with her right? Even if not every day?
I would cut out the people who have not been responsive. I would just call them or send an email (which might be easier but would have potential to kill the friendship that way entirely) and state that you have to get on w/ your wedding plans and as it's clear taht they're too busy to be any more involved in your life than they have been that, with apologies, you are changing your bridal party format and hope they understand.
You could acknowledge that for example the one girl has been going through a really tough time with her husband for example, and that you think it's best she focus on her right now rather than on you (which is what she is doing anyway from the sounds of it).
And the other, you could state that you know how busy she is, and that you have been having too much of a tough time trying to get answers from her or have her be involved in much of the planning, that you really value her friendship and are glad that you were able to reconnect and hope you will remain good friends even from a distance, but that you feel like maybe you were a bit pre-emptive in asking her to be in your bridal party based on one good night together in like 10 years and that you thought it might be easier for her to just come as a guest. I would stress importance that you really want her at your wedding but that you just want to make things easier on them and also on yourself by having less people to corral when planning needs come up, and welcome them to contact you if they want to talk about whatever has been holding them back.
Good luck - if anytihng changes keep us posted!
P.S. I disagree you should ask someone to be in your BP just because they have a car and can drive you around. If you're not close with them that's the same as using someone and no one likes to be used. I don't think it would help bring your sister closer to you (though I don't know her nor the dynamics of your relationship w/ her), to ask her to be in your BP and then suddenly expect her to start driving you all over for meetings w/ vendors etc., if you've not been very close to begin with. She may resent you for it if that is how things go. Also the other thing that crossed my mind is that you seem to want a relationship w/ your sister and she has ignored your attempts to reach out to her - I am sure I don't have all the details but it struck me that she's probably really self absorbed and someone like that is only going to frustrate you when they don't come through the same way your current BM's are now. So why ask yet another unreliable person you're not close with into your bridal party and complicate things further?
I think you should only keep those who are actually there for you consistently both emotionally and otherwise, even if consistently means once a month hanging out together or even less. Some of my friends I only see once every few months but we're still "close" emotionally. That's consistency to me.
It would be nice for you to ask your FH's sister to be in your BP but if you're not close w/ her and don't have any real relationship w/ her I don't see why you need to. Sure it's a nice gesture but if it's just for "show" what is the point? More complication again with more people to worry about for nothing. My take away is keep it simple. The fewer the better.
If you really WANT to have your sister in your BP what you could do is call her or go visit her and tell her that you want to have an important talk w/ her and then tell her when the time comes to have that talk exactly how you feel. Tell her how you have wanted to be closer with her and that you feel like she rejects your attempts or that she avoids you. Tell her that you would love to ask her to be a BM in your wedding but that you are worried that it will only add to your stress because of her being so unresponsive to date and that you're already dealing with unresponsive BM's and don't want to add on anymore. See how she responds to your discussion and see if she shows any remorse or want to be involved more in your life - if she's willing to make better effort at having a relationsihp with you.
Then just take it from there, do what feels right. I would recommend though as you sound a bit impulsive (like me) that maybe you should sleep on any decision for a few days befoer making it, so you have time to process your feelings and thoughts and know when you DO make decisions involving other people especially that you are not doing it out of giddiness stemming from one good night with someone who hasn't been consistently involved in your life or who is not going to be.
2 B Wed July 10, 2009!
Me (29) + FH (32) + his son (12) = 10 years together in unwedded bliss.
Done so far:
Booked venue & coordinator, fought with FMIL, made up with FMIL, lost e-ring, found e-ring... only 6.5 mos to go! OMG!
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 10/19/2008 5:15:57 PM
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| Wow - this sounds like an incredibly complicated situation! While I can't pretend to understand your particular situation (since I don't know you), I think you should base you decision on one of two things depending on what your priorities/expectations are: (1) who it is that you're closest to - this person is standing up for you on your wedding day - that's an important moment in your life, or (2) who will do the best "job" based on your expectations. If you have a list of things that you expect from your MOH like 'must plan shower, give speech, throw bachelorette party', then I don't think it would be fair to have someone do that who really isn't in to those sorts of things or who you know isn't reliable/organized to pull it off. This wouldn't be fair to either of you - you'd be disappointed and she would be stressed out. The way I looked at it (and I'm not saying that it's the right way), was to select the woman that meant the most to me. This was easy for me because I have a sister whom I'm close with, but for others it could be a friend or other relative. I didn't have any pre-conceived notions of what a MOH "should" do. Personally, I don't stand on ceremony like that. My MIL threw me a shower with the help of my sister (she provided a guest list for my side of the family and friends) - it didn't matter who did what, just that we were all together. It was a very nice thing for my MIL to do. The person who plans your events should do so because they want to, not because they're obligated to. It sounds like your MIL will throw you a shower, so that's easy  If a stagette is a big deal for you, but your (future) MOH isn't a "planner", I'd say organize it yourself and just make it a really fun night for you and whoever you invite. It doesn't have to be something where people take you out and pay for you etc etc - just have a great time w/ the people you care about. I think that the most important thing is that you're honest with everyone involved about your expectations. Perhaps chosing your FSIL would be a good choice - it certainly would be a lovely gesture that I hope she'd appreciate. I agree that a group discussion w/ all the potential MOHs is not a good idea - sort of embarassing for the girls. Maybe don't give anyone the title of MOH if it's just going to cause problems. For instance, just have them all be BMs but say you'd like your FSIL to sign the registry because you'll soon be family. sorry for the long ramble!  Good luck in your decision!
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SJD (10/19/2008)
I think you should base you decision on one of two things depending on what your priorities/expectations are: (1) who it is that you're closest to - this person is standing up for you on your wedding day - that's an important moment in your life, or (2) who will do the best "job" based on your expectations.
The whole problem is that I don't feel like I am closest to one over another, nor do I know who will do the best "job" based on my expectations. Hence the dilemma.
I mean I am close to each in SOME way but there are issues in each of those relationships. The one I am emotionally closest to is the laziest person I know sad to say.
I hung out w/ her last night and it was nice, but of course I had to go to her house again and lay in her bed and watch TV with her, because she will never come to my house and all she does is lay around and watch TV and have people visit her.
If I'm willing to bear the weight of the entire friendship on MY shoulders she's a great friend - we laugh, we talk, etc. - but the minute I expect anything of her she's a terrible friend. Sad to say but it's just how it is.
2 B Wed July 10, 2009!
Me (29) + FH (32) + his son (12) = 10 years together in unwedded bliss.
Done so far:
Booked venue & coordinator, fought with FMIL, made up with FMIL, lost e-ring, found e-ring... only 6.5 mos to go! OMG!
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Yesterday @ 5:18:51 PM
Posts: 886,
Visits: 733
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SJD (10/19/2008)
If you have a list of things that you expect fr | | | |