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RE: Married Ladies...

MrsZator — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 13:39:31 GMT

[quote][b]mccasey (4/11/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]MrsZator (4/10/2006)[/b][hr]I am in the same boat as a couple other ladies, i am not married but have been together for a very long time!!

We have a 7 yr old and busy shedules but we always make time for each other wether its Making love, making out, or just cuddling!

The one thing that i have learned is to not be so self consious! Be able to laugh in the middle of sex! Look at each other right in the eyes! When you can connect with someone like this there is no stopping you! :D

I used to be such a prude! not only with sex but in general. but when I met my FH i stopped caring, i didnt care about making a fool out of myself, saying something stupid in front of him, I can just be me and he loves me no matter what!

I have had a better sex life with him with in the first year then I have had in my whole life!!;)[/quote]

I agree with this to an extent. Definitely try to relax and be totally yourself. But... I feel that there are times when you can be too comfortable with your spouse (and I am guilty of it for sure). I think that there are certain things that you, as a woman, should try to be discreet about. You want to try to still be ladylike and attractive to your husband. If that makes any sense.[/quote]

I think we know that much....lol Can you imagine how attractive he find you if you let one rip well you were in the middle of that...OMG!!!:hehe:

I meant when you try to do something and it goes wrong, or someone walks in the Tim Hortons bathroom while your getting freaky....lol you need to not be a prude but be classy at the same time!!:D

RE: Married Ladies...

mccasey — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 12:36:33 GMT

Sorry girls! Me again!

I just wanted to add that there are some suggestions that have already been mentioned that I find VERY important and definitely work! Date nights are very important in terms of reconnecting! We also have many different interests and so we do things seperately a lot (even watch a lot of seperate tv) but we make sure to watch at least one show each with each other once a week (for example, I watch CSI for him and he watches One Tree Hill for me). Wearing something sexy really is a fun way to spark some passion too! Spending some time apart, in my opinion, can be a good thing. I'm not talking about taking seperate vacations or anything, but some couples really do EVERYTHING together but I think it's a good thing and healty to have your own activities that you do seperately once in awhile.

RE: Married Ladies...

mccasey — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 12:30:04 GMT

[quote][b]MrsZator (4/10/2006)[/b][hr]I am in the same boat as a couple other ladies, i am not married but have been together for a very long time!!

We have a 7 yr old and busy shedules but we always make time for each other wether its Making love, making out, or just cuddling!

I have had a better sex life with him with in the first year then I have had in my whole life!!;)[/quote]

RE: Married Ladies...

mccasey — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 12:19:37 GMT

[quote][b]Ember (4/6/2006)[/b][hr]Okay, I'm not actually married yet, but after 9 years together I feel qualified to answer. :)

First, I try to take a lot of things in stride. There are naturally going to be times when the relationship is less passionate. Any time where stress levels are high, romance is generally not on either of our minds. During these times I just let it pass, because I know the reason. As soon as the stress level goes down we re-connect and everything is fine.

If it's been an overly long time, or there is no real reason for a lag in the relationship then there's several things you can do. There's research to show that having sex in a different location does wonders because you become habituated to only having sex in the bedroom and it becomes routine. So get wild and crazy in the living room, the bathroom (in the dark!), in the car, or any where else a little out of the ordinary. You could also introduce something new for the same effect.

You can also try just vocalizing your impatience. Tell your partner how much you miss them doing ______ . Wear a sexy outfit and tell him it's just for him and you expect a proper ravishing when you get home.

If it's more than sex that you're missing just make an effort to snuggle, hold hands, and have quiet conversations. Leave the TV off one night, play a board came, read a book out loud to each other, go for a walk, or find a new activity to try together.

And most important, make sure there are no other big problems. A lag is one thing, but if other parts of the relationship are experiencing problems nothing will help until those are addressed. Sometimes it's important to ask if your partner is unhappy about anything. If they say that there is nothing wrong, bring up the fact that you miss the intimacy. This may promt something, or you may realize that one or both of you is just being lazy. It's easy to get comforable with your partner and just coast along. Talking about it will help you realize if this is what's happening.

Good luck! :)

[/quote]

Wow!! What great suggestions! We got married the day before our 6 year anniversary and we had already been living together for about 4 years. I think that this question applies not only for married women, but to any couple who have been living together for a long time. I feel like one of the most important things from your post, for me at least, is this:

"I try to take a lot of things in stride. There are naturally going to be times when the relationship is less passionate."

I have this sort of insecurity issue that, I think, comes from the fact that so many marriages fail, including my parents. I almost feel doomed from the start out of nothing more than fear of failing (meaning, we are happy, in love, have no real major problems, but I can take one little thing - my husband having a bad day and being in a bad mood, a lack of passion for a while, a dirty look (or what I perceived to be a dirty look) or a "tone" in his voice, etc. and make it into a sign of a major problem in our relationship.). I take any of those things and can turn them into signs that since we are married now, he is bored, he feels like he doesn't have to try anymore, he feels trapped now, he's not attracted to me anymore... whatever...!! It's insane!! And that seems to be more so since the wedding! I don't know why or how to stop it. I go through phases where I am feeling totally fine and then, out of the blue, I can get a panick attack! For example, lately I have been analysing and thinking that he is not often the one to initiate cuddling and stuff. That could have turned into a huge fight if I would have let it. But when I realize and think back, I realize that he is not acting any differently than he ever did. Sometimes he initiates the cuddling and other times, but most often, it's me, which is fine with me and never was an issue with me before so why analyse it now and make it into a problem that it is not. I have to learn to just relax and let our happy marriage be. Not cause problems where there are none.

Is this making any sense?

RE: Married Ladies...

twinmom — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 21:06:47 GMT

I was actually quite shocked myself to learn that after already being together six years, marriage changed things...I mean we still do the same old boring routine day in and day out, but some of the other stuff has changed.

It is really important I find to keep your communication up....if I feel like we are hitting a drag at any point, I can easily tell him that we need some time to reconnect and he usually is pretty good at giving me that.

We also have date night, and watch movies together at least once a week. Now I know it sounds stupid cause we have only been married for two months....but we also have four kids in that mix and we both work etc etc etc....

I still would do it all over again.....it was worth every challenge we have ahead of us.

RE: Married Ladies...

MrsZator — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 09:16:19 GMT

I am in the same boat as a couple other ladies, i am not married but have been together for a very long time!!

We have a 7 yr old and busy shedules but we always make time for each other wether its Making love, making out, or just cuddling!

I have had a better sex life with him with in the first year then I have had in my whole life!!;)

RE: Married Ladies...

Ember — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 08:54:11 GMT

[quote][b]igottajlo (4/10/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]desbride07 (4/8/2006)[/b][hr]i just wanna know why does the word "marriage" change things???

[/quote]

Two lives are becoming one ... I know ...very cliche ... but it's true. Bank accounts are now one, responsibilities are now one, everything is together. And there are still many people who do not live with their FH's before getting married. This can be a BIG change for anyone. Remember living with your FH for the first time? Remember learning those things the drove you bonkers? Imagine already being married. Does marriage change things? Absolutely. So I'll ask you this ... if the word marriage changes nothing, why are you getting married?

To the OP, I can completely understand wanting to keep the spark, I understand. After living with FH for 2 years, I'm in a comfortable routine and the sex life is definately less active than it when we first started dating.[/quote]

Our bank accounts will remain the same as they have for the last several years (each having their own and a joint one for household stuff), responsibilities were worked out long ago.. I agree that moving in with someone is a BIG change - no question. But for those of us who have been living together for many years it will not be much of a change at all.

As to why I'm getting married: We are proud of the relationship we have built together and we are celebrating that with our friends and family. I'm not saying marriage means nothing, I'm saying it won't change anything.

I agree with desbride07 that length of time together says more about a relationship than stamping the word "marriage" on it. You can fully know someone after only a short while but learning to navigate and accomodate each person changing and growing, learning how to keep the spark... This can only be learned with time.

RE: Married Ladies...

cearnaidh — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 08:08:44 GMT

[quote][b]desbride07 (4/8/2006)[/b][hr]i just wanna know why does the word "marriage" change things???

i mean if you were together for 8 years, i think you should know your partner much better then someone who has only been with their partner for only 3 years!!! I just do not understand how marriage can change the relationship... i am expecting it to change because we have only been dating for only almost 4 years. But we have been living together for almost 2 years now!!! In the government eyes we are common-law... The only major change will be when FH gets on the Days Shift at work... that means I will be seeing him a lot more then I do now.[/quote]

I agree with igottajlo. It really is about the merging or blending of two people and everything that involves - $, families, etc. You really do become a new family unit that has to function together 100% of the time to make it work.

It's not at all about the length of time you've been with someone and I truly beg to differ about how long you've been with someone equates to how well you know them.

RE: Married Ladies...

igottajlo — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 07:52:24 GMT

[quote][b]desbride07 (4/8/2006)[/b][hr]i just wanna know why does the word "marriage" change things???

[/quote]

Two lives are becoming one ... I know ...very cliche ... but it's true. Bank accounts are now one, responsibilities are now one, everything is together. And there are still many people who do not live with their FH's before getting married. This can be a BIG change for anyone. Remember living with your FH for the first time? Remember learning those things the drove you bonkers? Imagine already being married. Does marriage change things? Absolutely. So I'll ask you this ... if the word marriage changes nothing, why are you getting married?

To the OP, I can completely understand wanting to keep the spark, I understand. After living with FH for 2 years, I'm in a comfortable routine and the sex life is definately less active than it when we first started dating.

RE: Married Ladies...

desbride07 — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 13:24:47 GMT

i just wanna know why does the word "marriage" change things???

RE: Married Ladies...

icegirl — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 11:17:42 GMT

I find our relationship has changed after marriage and for the better. We have a sense of who we are now and a security that we are always there for one another. I was excited to TTC but after a few months DH and I are back to our lazy ways! I do like Ember's suggestions so maybe I can change his mind again:P

RE: Married Ladies...

julieparkes — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 23:24:06 GMT

I think what keeps the spark alive with us is that we really look after each other. We do little things... like he brings me coffee in bed every morning. I always make sure he has nice lunches to take to work. It's just tiny little things but we always look after each other.

We also make sure to date. We go out for dinner. We talk about things other than our daily household stuff. We have a baby now so that makes it even harder... but we talk politics, interests, hobbies, etc. We try to make things between us fun and interactive. It's really easy to fall in to the trap of where all you do is just manage a household. Know what I mean?

And we're silly. We act goofy. We joke around. We try to always have fun. I can't wait until our daughter is older and we embarass the hell out of her... lol.

RE: Married Ladies...

pinksox — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 15:04:35 GMT

I just wrote about it in the "where are all the married women thread"

RE: Married Ladies...

Ember — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 09:03:46 GMT

[quote][b]beebear (4/7/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]Ember (4/7/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]Sept10ya (4/6/2006)[/b][hr]I was actually really surprised that our relationship changed after we got married. DH and I have been together for five years and lived with each other 9 months before the wedding. [/quote]

After nine years of being together and 8 years of living together - I seriously doubt much is going to change. :P I though the same thing....

I have a friend who was married a year ago after less than a year of dating who keeps swearing that "it's different when your married!" It always makes me laugh. I laughed too ya know. My relationship has already lasted longer than a lot of marriages! same here :hehe:[/quote]

Ember - we got married the day after our 10 year anniversary!! THINGS CHANGE! I used to laugh it off as well. It doesn't mean "bad change", things just feel different, it does change you a little, your views and emotions, etc. Come back and talk to us after your married. Believe me, I was you laughing it off at one time too! It's a good change, but a change still the same.[/quote]

I will come back and let you know. :P However, I've talked to people who have been in relationships as long (or longer) than mine and have it on good authority that a title change doesn't do all that much. Each year we've been together feels different because we are growing and changing as people. If that's the kind of "different" you mean, then that I may agree with. But a relationship will grow and change on it's own naturally. Beging engaged feels no different. (Maybe it did for you?) We're still just us. I agree that there is a change in who society views your relationship, though. I'll even grant that it'll be new and novel for a while. But funimentally change? Nah. Besides, no one who claims this is ever able to articulate any actual change (with the exception of those people who are still in the early stages of a relationship because they're still doing the "getting to know you" thing. It is especially irritating when someone who has known and been with their husband a significantly smaller period of time makes this claim. I always feel like telling them to come back and talk to me in 10 years).

I think I react badly to the whole "it's different when you're married" thing because it's a way for married people to almost look down on non married people. As though their relationship is somehow superior. A relationship is valid whether the couple is married or not. The relationship can be serious and commited without the official stamp of marriage on it. When my girlfriend went through a brake up after 8 years many people coldly told her, "at least you weren't married." As if being married would have made the break up much worse. Her heart was broken either way, trust me. And if a couple chose never to get married I don't believe they are missing out on some big secret or level of intamacy shared only by those with the titles of "husband" and "wife."

But as I said, I will let ya know how it turns out. :D

RE: Married Ladies...

BeeBear — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 08:30:38 GMT

[quote][b]Ember (4/7/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]Sept10ya (4/6/2006)[/b][hr]I was actually really surprised that our relationship changed after we got married. DH and I have been together for five years and lived with each other 9 months before the wedding. [/quote]

After nine years of being together and 8 years of living together - I seriously doubt much is going to change. :P I though the same thing....

I have a friend who was married a year ago after less than a year of dating who keeps swearing that "it's different when your married!" It always makes me laugh. I laughed too ya know. My relationship has already lasted longer than a lot of marriages! same here :hehe:[/quote]

Ember - we got married the day after our 10 year anniversary!! THINGS CHANGE! I used to laugh it off as well. It doesn't mean "bad change", things just feel different, it does change you a little, your views and emotions, etc. Come back and talk to us after your married. Believe me, I was you laughing it off at one time too! It's a good change, but a change still the same.

RE: Married Ladies...

nlappa — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 07:55:33 GMT

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

good question.....i don't know.....we were together for 5 years and never lived together or even did sleepovers prior to tying the knot, so needless to say it was a big change for us, but a very "natural" one, ie: no effort, we just kind of fell into marriage.....i wouldn't change a thing and wouldn't want it any other way! i love it....every minute.....

but keep the ideas coming ladies.....

xoxo

RE: Married Ladies...

MrsMtobe — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 02:44:11 GMT

whoa!! good suggestions!!!

RE: Married Ladies...

Sept10ya — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 00:39:29 GMT

You actually may be surprised! It doesn't mean it's going to change in the bad sense--just change a bit. It's a different feeling, very hard to describe. You think you know your spouse so well, and then he surprises you...that kind of thing.

RE: Married Ladies...

Ember — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 00:03:50 GMT

[quote][b]Sept10ya (4/6/2006)[/b][hr]I was actually really surprised that our relationship changed after we got married. DH and I have been together for five years and lived with each other 9 months before the wedding. [/quote]

After nine years of being together and 8 years of living together - I seriously doubt much is going to change. :P

I have a friend who was married a year ago after less than a year of dating who keeps swearing that "it's different when your married!" It always makes me laugh. My relationship has already lasted longer than a lot of marriages! :hehe:

RE: Married Ladies...

Sept10ya — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 23:51:01 GMT

I was actually really surprised that our relationship changed after we got married. DH and I have been together for five years and lived with each other 9 months before the wedding. After the wedding and honeymoon, we started to go at it like cats and dogs. I think for me it was the lack of anticipation of the wedding and for him it was now I have to be a better provider syndrom.

Our case is of course different than most, DH is a trucker and I work 12-hour shift work, so obviously the lack of seeing each other has played a toll on our relationship since the beginning.

I think what saves us like the above is our sex life. Sometimes he is gone for 2 weeks at a time and let me tell you when he's home for those three days he leaves a sore man.:)

Even if we are a little pi$$y with each other the sex is actually better--I have a saying for it: "If I can talk it out of him, I'll..." fill in the blank.

But seriously, it's no mystery, it's always about communication and quality time (not quantity time). It's the passionate kiss (not the peck) we give each other every time we come home, and the way he kisses me on the forehead when he leaves for work and I'm still in bed. We say Ilove you evey time we talk on the phone, eveytime we part, and everytime we say goodnight.

P.S. I recommend the Newlywed Game you get at the Stag shop, it's fun, kinky, and you actually learn some emotional stuff about your partner each time you play.

RE: Married Ladies...

skeller — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 22:39:22 GMT

Not much more to add to that...unless of course you want some raunchy stuff...lol...not that I personally do it, but some do ...

RE: Married Ladies...

Ember — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 22:33:24 GMT

Okay, I'm not actually married yet, but after 9 years together I feel qualified to answer. :)

First, I try to take a lot of things in stride. There are naturally going to be times when the relationship is less passionate. Any time where stress levels are high, romance is generally not on either of our minds. During these times I just let it pass, because I know the reason. As soon as the stress level goes down we re-connect and everything is fine.

If it's been an overly long time, or there is no real reason for a lag in the relationship then there's several things you can do. There's research to show that having sex in a different location does wonders because you become habituated to only having sex in the bedroom and it becomes routine. So get wild and crazy in the living room, the bathroom (in the dark!), in the car, or any where else a little out of the ordinary. You could also introduce something new for the same effect.

You can also try just vocalizing your impatience. Tell your partner how much you miss them doing ______ . Wear a sexy outfit and tell him it's just for him and you expect a proper ravishing when you get home.

If it's more than sex that you're missing just make an effort to snuggle, hold hands, and have quiet conversations. Leave the TV off one night, play a board came, read a book out loud to each other, go for a walk, or find a new activity to try together.

And most important, make sure there are no other big problems. A lag is one thing, but if other parts of the relationship are experiencing problems nothing will help until those are addressed. Sometimes it's important to ask if your partner is unhappy about anything. If they say that there is nothing wrong, bring up the fact that you miss the intimacy. This may promt something, or you may realize that one or both of you is just being lazy. It's easy to get comforable with your partner and just coast along. Talking about it will help you realize if this is what's happening.

Good luck! :)

Married Ladies...

mrshippo — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 21:47:53 GMT

Ladies,

What is your best advise for keeping that spark in your relationship? I know that once the honeymoon is over (literally) things can slide into a rather predictable routine. Work, dinner, etc. I'd love to hear your ideas on how to keep the romance alive.

Thanks for sharing!