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RE: Conditions on having a baby

susanguay — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 18:21:38 GMT

We have two conditions, one is mutual and one is in the best interest of us! First, we want to go on one trip together before kids. The second is my condition, I need the baby to be due after Jan 21, 2010 so that I can get topped up while on maternity leave. Since we are both young...I think waiting one more year will be worth going from EI at 66% (or something like that) to 100% for the first 8 weeks and then 80% for the next 12 (or something similar!).

RE: Conditions on having a baby

mands — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 10:47:35 GMT

If men could have babies DH would be in line!!! He wants them asap!!!

As for me...i do have a few conditions but at the same time if it happens it happens!!!

Conditions: I want to travel at least one or two trips without kids, I want to just be a wife for a bit- just me and DH, I want to sort of pay for a few things and feel financially secure, I want feel secure with my career, I want to just be me for a bit. We got married in Sept of 2007 and this marriage thing is very new....i think it would be great for us to just enjoy that.

I mean i get baby fever all the time esp. in this forum, but i really have to stay focused ...

I hate that i sound selfish and that DH is kinda left with that void but, i think its the right decision for me...and us...and thats all that i know.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

jenoneill — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 22:20:34 GMT

[quote][b]Jle24 (7/3/2008)[/b][hr][quote][b]jenoneill (7/3/2008)[/b][hr]I was the one with the conditions, or goals rather on waiting to have kids. Dh's goal and condition was to have kids ASAP, right now, 5 minutes ago. My reasons to wait:

-Wanted toenjoy my new house with my hubby for a while KID FREE.

-Wanted to entertain our friends in our home KID FREE.

-Wanted to travel KID FREE

-Wanted a career in my field KID FREE

-Wanted to enjoy the luxuries of marriage KID FREE.

Found out I was already 6-7 weeeks along a month before the wedding day. :w00t:

So much for all that stuff right? NO WAY. I still enjoy my new house. We have had the most memorable parties with our friends. The 3 of us have traveled FAR AND WIDE. I'm working in an even BETTER career that I would not have stumbled on had I been working in my pervious one and I have sooooo many MORE luxuries to be thankful for. All with a baby.

Last time I put a condition on not having another babywas about 10 weeks ago when I started my new job. You can imagine what followed next.I no longer have any 'conditions'. ;)

[b] But I totally agree that setting goals prior to having a baby, especially when they are in the best interst for that child, are great as long as theyare amicable and mutually agreed upon. It's also comforting to know that even if things don't go according to plan, things willwork out regardless, sometimes even better.[/b][/quote]

I agree with the bold! :) Well said![/quote]

thanx

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Jle24 — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:05:55 GMT

[quote][b]jenoneill (7/3/2008)[/b][hr]I was the one with the conditions, or goals rather on waiting to have kids. Dh's goal and condition was to have kids ASAP, right now, 5 minutes ago. My reasons to wait:

-Wanted toenjoy my new house with my hubby for a while KID FREE.

-Wanted to entertain our friends in our home KID FREE.

-Wanted to travel KID FREE

-Wanted a career in my field KID FREE

-Wanted to enjoy the luxuries of marriage KID FREE.

Found out I was already 6-7 weeeks along a month before the wedding day. :w00t:

So much for all that stuff right? NO WAY. I still enjoy my new house. We have had the most memorable parties with our friends. The 3 of us have traveled FAR AND WIDE. I'm working in an even BETTER career that I would not have stumbled on had I been working in my pervious one and I have sooooo many MORE luxuries to be thankful for. All with a baby.

Last time I put a condition on not having another babywas about 10 weeks ago when I started my new job. You can imagine what followed next.I no longer have any 'conditions'. ;)

[b] But I totally agree that setting goals prior to having a baby, especially when they are in the best interst for that child, are great as long as theyare amicable and mutually agreed upon. It's also comforting to know that even if things don't go according to plan, things willwork out regardless, sometimes even better.[/b][/quote]

I agree with the bold! :) Well said!

RE: Conditions on having a baby

missdish — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 07:05:22 GMT

DH and I have set these together. No kids till we own a house and we get rid of some of our debt. We need more space and want to make sure we have enough money.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

jenoneill — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 04:43:37 GMT

I was the one with the conditions, or goals rather on waiting to have kids. Dh's goal and condition was to have kids ASAP, right now, 5 minutes ago. My reasons to wait:

-Wanted to enjoy my new house with my hubby for a while KID FREE.

-Wanted to entertain our friends in our home KID FREE.

-Wanted to travel KID FREE

-Wanted a career in my field KID FREE

-Wanted to enjoy the luxuries of marriage KID FREE.

Found out I was already 6-7 weeeks along a month before the wedding day. :w00t:

So much for all that stuff right? NO WAY. I still enjoy my new house. We have had the most memorable parties with our friends. The 3 of us have traveled FAR AND WIDE. I'm working in an even BETTER career that I would not have stumbled on had I been working in my pervious one and I have sooooo many MORE luxuries to be thankful for. All with a baby.

Last time I put a condition on not having another baby was about 10 weeks ago when I started my new job. You can imagine what followed next.I no longer have any 'conditions'. ;)

But I totally agree that setting goals prior to having a baby, especially when they are in the best interst for that child, are great as long as they are amicable and mutually agreed upon. It's also comforting to know that even if things don't go according to plan, things will work out regardless, sometimes even better.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Adrea — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:13:32 GMT

[quote][b]CelticGhal (7/2/2008)[/b][hr]My FH says no kids until he get a new Harley.
I said ya right, lol, good luck with that.[/quote]

LOL My DH lost that one! Maybe next spring;)

RE: Conditions on having a baby

gr8blessings — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:21:57 GMT

[quote][b]CelticGhal (7/2/2008)[/b][hr]My FH says no kids until he get a new Harley.
I said ya right, lol, good luck with that.[/quote]

Ask him how he plans on hooking up a child seat on that. LOL. I think a side car is kind of cool, but then he has the problem of where to fit the wife....hmmm....sucks to be him.

A wife's dream come true...when Harley makes a minivan. :P

To the OP, I see nothing wrong with a couple deciding together what conditions need to be met so that they can best provide for their family. I also think this discussion should occur long before the wedding because different views on children (when to have them and how to raise them) would be a deal breaker for me.

gr8blessings

RE: Conditions on having a baby

CelticGhal — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:50:42 GMT

My FH says no kids until he get a new Harley.
I said ya right, lol, good luck with that.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

TheHbride — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:40:37 GMT

We have made a few 'goals' before we TTC (in a year) however, I always have to remind myself we have 9 months before Babe too :D

RE: Conditions on having a baby

shawnap — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:42:45 GMT

I dont know if there is ever a "right" time to have kids it never seems that there is enough money or enough time ... there can always be excuses. So if you feel you are ready I say go ahead ... but I think if one person is really resisting it you should wait. You want it to be a happy time for both of you and if one is unhappy that really makes it hard to enjoy ( trust me I know)

We didnt have our LO and the "right" time but we worked around it and things have a way of fixing themselves and balancing out.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Summer07 — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:18:27 GMT

Both DH and I agreed a few years ago that before we started a family, we wanted to be married and move out of our townhouse into a house as we wanted more space. Then once we bought our house we wanted to have the renos finished.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

chickypoo — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 13:29:05 GMT

[quote][b]beaniebaby (7/2/2008)[/b][hr]I personally dont' see a problem with setting GOALS before TTC.

If you love someone, and you have the same goals, then it won't be a problem.[/quote]

I totally agree with this. My DH and I have certain things that we want to accomplish before TTC, but I don't consider them 'conditions', more like making sure that we both feel ready to welcome a baby into our lives. While an oops would be just fine with both of us, and I recognize that there is no 'perfect' time, I don't see the harm in trying to make sure all of your ducks are in a row before starting.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

beaniebaby — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 13:10:36 GMT

I personally dont' see a problem with setting GOALS before TTC.

If you love someone, and you have the same goals, then it won't be a problem.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Aprilbride08 — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:53:04 GMT

The only "condition" we really had was that we wait until after the wedding.. Well, we conceived on our honeymoon, so I guess technically we waited.. hahaha... We both have good full time jobs, and have been done university for years.

In my opinion, there are certain things that are important.. Such as having a roof over your head, the ability to pay bills, and everything else is a luxury and a want. We currently rent, but we felt that we were so blessed with the ability to actually have a child, and have so much love already for this little miracle that everything else will come in time. I mean, we would like certain things, but with hard work, love and perseverance, it will all come eventually!

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Adrea — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:38:24 GMT

[quote][b]SofaQueen (7/2/2008)[/b][hr]There are only a few mutual conditions, such as we need to be married, we need to buy a place, and we need to wait until after the honeymoon b/c we want to drink wine and beer while on vacation. We are in the process of buying a place and September is the wedding and the honeymoon.[/quote]

That's definitely why we waited until after the wedding and quite a few more social functions that were coming up. I gotta say that since being preggo and not drinking alcohol/caffeine for a couple of months has made me a tad bit irritable;) And I've tested the saying and have come to the conclusion that you do need to drink to have fun:)

RE: Conditions on having a baby

MrsSofaQueen — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 11:48:17 GMT

There are only a few mutual conditions, such as we need to be married, we need to buy a place, and we need to wait until after the honeymoon b/c we want to drink wine and beer while on vacation. We are in the process of buying a place and September is the wedding and the honeymoon.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

smurf993 — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 10:41:35 GMT

DH and I have conditions on having babies as well. They are agreed on by both of us and seem to be the right choice for us. I am working as casual nurse right now, and have been for two years with no sign of a permanent job right now. My income is not stable and varies greatly. We moved to this town with his job so moving right now is not an option, and won't be for a few more years. We have to make it work with what we have and were we are.

We know how much we need to get through the lower income that occurs when on mat leave, so we have to wait till certian bills are paid off and others paid down more. We know we are very close to having this happen for us, but know that the right thing to do is wait a few more months so that we will not add finanical strain to the stress of a new baby.

However, if we were to have a surprise and get pregnant before this happened we would both be thrilled... and again make it work. However, the conditions of debt reduction are what is best for us.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

crystalf — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 13:23:39 GMT

DH and I have mutually agreed upon "conditions" for having a baby

I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she is six, also I have been working on contract for the last two years - full time but not a permanant position - so we are waiting for me to have a permanent job, and until we pay off some of our debt (small stuff like buying furnature for the new house that we put on credit and credit cards) Once that is done we will ttc...

Right now we are thinking we would like to start this time next year so we would have a baby in 2010....

I think these conditions are more than fair for us right now - and we are really enjoying being in the Newlywed phase (for a little while longer anyways) and giving spending as much time with DD as possible before she hits the "too cool to hang out with mom and dad" stage....

RE: Conditions on having a baby

kaisag — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 08:01:07 GMT

[quote][b]cheers (6/30/2008)[/b][hr]Is it fair for someone to tell their spouse that they will not have kids until certain things happen first? For example, no kids until done school and working full-time, or no kids until lose weight, no kids until more independent...etc...). In other words, what would you do if your spouse put conditions on having children?

I saw this on T.V. and thought it would be an interesting topic. For me I guess it would depend on what my spouse was asking (i.e. is it something that is important for my or the babies health etc...). But if it was something that I thought was not that important I would be pretty upset!!![/quote]

Although, being done school and working full-time does make sense, if its given as an ultimatum, no, I dont think thats fair at all. Some couples do have their own timelines, but if mutually agreed upon, are more than fair.

I would completely pissed if DH said something like that to me.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

eeklrb — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:53:36 GMT

[quote][b]Jle24 (6/30/2008)[/b][hr]We had conditions that we decided on mutually. They were for me to finish school first, get married, start my career.... then we would try. But life happens the way it is meant to and in my first semester of a three year college program I conceived our son. I dropped down from the three year program to the two years, and my professors developed a 7-course load for me to work through the summer. I was due October 4 2006, so in September I would start my final semester which included 3 courses. 4 days into the Semester, September 9, 2006 I gave birth to our son. My professors continued to be accommodating allowing me to work from home. I was given an extra hour on exams and a private room so that I could bring my son and nurse him while doing my exams. I graduated with a 3.96GPA. Marriage was put on the back burner.... I started working from home (I do accounting for small businesses) when our son was 4 months old. My career is everything I could ever want.

What I'm trying to say is, you can put conditions on things, but your life is still going to happen. The conditions should be decided upon mutually though. I don't think it is really fair for one spouse to treat the conditions as ultimatums.... if that makes sense.[/quote]

What a great story, thanks for sharing. I was in school when we coneived but had to withdraw due to complications. I'm so glad it worked out for you.

I completely agree with the highlighted above...very well put!

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Jle24 — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:11:51 GMT

We had conditions that we decided on mutually. They were for me to finish school first, get married, start my career.... then we would try. But life happens the way it is meant to and in my first semester of a three year college program I conceived our son. I dropped down from the three year program to the two years, and my professors developed a 7-course load for me to work through the summer. I was due October 4 2006, so in September I would start my final semester which included 3 courses. 4 days into the Semester, September 9, 2006 I gave birth to our son. My professors continued to be accommodating allowing me to work from home. I was given an extra hour on exams and a private room so that I could bring my son and nurse him while doing my exams. I graduated with a 3.96GPA. Marriage was put on the back burner.... I started working from home (I do accounting for small businesses) when our son was 4 months old. My career is everything I could ever want.

What I'm trying to say is, you can put conditions on things, but your life is still going to happen. The conditions should be decided upon mutually though. I don't think it is really fair for one spouse to treat the conditions as ultimatums.... if that makes sense.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

XoXo — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 19:30:55 GMT

I don't see this as being a big deal.. if the conditions are something that will improve the environment for the couple's future children... maybe the condition is something to improve their lifestyle (quitting smoking or some other bad habit) or paying off a certain debt, etc.. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The only thing I'd be concerned about is if a couple started using it as a threat... "if you don't do this, we won't have kids" kinda thing... I agree with those who have said there's never a perfect time, but I also think that the couple needs to have their priorities and think about the best interest of their future children.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Wojo-B — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:40:28 GMT

DH and I once made up a list of all the things that we would like to do before we have a baby...we could do it if we won the lottery and started to TTC at 50 years old.

I don't think that there is ever a perfect time. If there are things that you would like to do, like finish school, before kids and you're young enough, and the conditions are MUTUAL, then yes, they are ok.

DH and I summed it up to ONE condition in the end, he has to have a full time job, and he can't just quit. This sounds simple, but for my DH, it was hard for him to find a job that he could stand being at for long. Now that he has, we have decided that this fall will be our time.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

eeklrb — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:30:13 GMT

[quote][b]BeeBear (6/30/2008)[/b][hr]The only condition DH and I had was to get through high school. LOL. That said we're now 26 and 28 so we managed to pull through on that one. :w00t:

In other scenarios, it would depend on the conditions. The way I see it, you always find a way to care for your children when they come around.[/quote]

I completely agree.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

eeklrb — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:29:45 GMT

Orginially we had talked about waiting until we were both done University before we would start trying, or at least start trying when we were in our last semesters. Having children before getting married wasn't an option as we both come from very traditional families and because we are so young we thought it would be smart to wait. Well...we got pregnant 3 months after our wedding, so uur plans have now changed. I've had to postpone school and DH has found a way to finish his degree faster (summer sessions, 6 classes instead of 5 etc). We have found a way for it to work...and we couldn't be more thrilled. We didn't get pregnant at the "ideal" time...but is there ever really an "ideal" time?! If you are continually putting conditions on having kids, ie: until we buy a house, until we save [blank] amount, until this...or that...it might never happen. I mean, if it is a health problem, completely understandable, but other things...if you want it badly enough, you'll get by regardless. JMHO.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

MaAD — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:11:37 GMT

House
Thats the only condition........

Too bad its his condition....... Don't get me wrong, I know that we can't bring kids into where we are living right now. Not nearly enough room. Heck, I can't think of anywhere we could put a diaper bag, forget everything else associated with a baby. It just sucks though that there is too much debt between us and that house.

Mind you, there wouldn't be as much debt if we weren't establishing a business too...

-Marianne

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Adrea — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:35:58 GMT

I think it's fair to put conditions for having a lo as long as they're reasonable. We know how much time, energy, comittment and money it takes to raise a little one. We wanted to make sure that we were stable in our lives before bringing a LO into the world. We made sure we both have good stable jobs, got married, bought a house and had two test furbabies first. LOL We want to be able to enjoy this time and not have to stress about housing, jobs, our relationship or worry too much about money. Oh and DH's motorcycle will be waiting until next year due to us having to buy a bigger vehicle for baby.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Kyrra — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:16:09 GMT

DH and I had a couple conditions. well not really conditions. just things that needed to happen first.. but they were far from deal breakers.. first. i had to get my tubes untied :) which required us to save a bit for that.. then the wedding.. dh didnt want to get pregnant before the wedding.. i got my tubes untied May 06. and we got married August 06. from may to our wedding. there was no sex.. lol.. we now have our little bundle of joy.. we dont have anything that needs to happen before we have another one tho.. if it happens it happens.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

BeeBear — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:14:21 GMT

The only condition DH and I had was to get through high school. LOL. That said we're now 26 and 28 so we managed to pull through on that one. :w00t:

In other scenarios, it would depend on the conditions. The way I see it, you always find a way to care for your children when they come around.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

ScoobyFan — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:09:29 GMT

DH and I didn't have any conditions on having lo's.

I did make a condition for him getting a motorcycle. The conditions were: A wedding, Kids and a bigger house. He emailed me a few days after my BFP and said "I just realized that I am a little closer to getting my bike!". lol. So far he already has done 2 out of 3 :P. I was just bugging him of course. If he wanted to get a bike that bad, I would breakdown and let him. It was just kinda fun to razz him a little.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

igottajlo — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:05:25 GMT

I guess it would depend on the condition. If DH wanted to wait until I was done school or he was done school (if we were in school) that's reasonable. If it was health related, that's reasonable.

Originally DH wanted to start TTC immediately after the wedding. However, I wanted to save some money first so we wouldn't have to put alot of the baby stuff on credit.

RE: Conditions on having a baby

Zim — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:01:54 GMT

We already have a timeline... And it has been decided almost solely by my husband!! Unfortunately, my arguments are emotional and don't stand up to the fact that we truly don't have the money, time, or family resources right now :crying:

Conditions on having a baby

cheers — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:57:38 GMT

Is it fair for someone to tell their spouse that they will not have kids until certain things happen first? For example, no kids until done school and working full-time, or no kids until lose weight, no kids until more independent...etc...). In other words, what would you do if your spouse put conditions on having children?