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RE: Non-invite faux pas?

lmq757 — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 03:38:39 GMT

We are going to have a few courtesy invites at our wedding this summer from both sides of the family.

On my side: my parents have been invited to their friends' children's wedding from different provinces when those people knew that my parents wouldn't be able to attend. The courtesy invitation idea to us is basically a gesture that we are thinking of them and that it would be very nice to celebrate with them. Both sides know full well that an invitation will be received and declined, but there are no hurt feelings of "why wasn't I even asked to attend?" and stuff.

On FH's side: same idea but with opposite situations. When his parents' friend's kid got married, their entire family was invited. That was at least 10 years ago when FH and his brother were still dependent on their parents. Now that we are getting married, we have to invite FH's parents' friends (naturally, I'd never argue them attending) plus their 4 now adult children along with dates for each of the children. I've never met these people and FH hasn't seen them in the better part of a decade, but they most likely will attend because they live in the area as opposed to my family's friends who all live out of province. Do I want them there? Not really. We're almost at capacity at our venue and haven't even put our OWN friends on the list yet, so I am a little at odds with the situation. Will we invite them? Apparently, yes, because I don't want to deal with my FMIL anymore.

Oh well. Should have had a DW like my mom suggested. Crap.....

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

sweetpea61 — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 21:21:36 GMT

I say, if you don't want them there, don't invite them......it seems crazy to invite someone that you are hoping replies that they aren't coming.....

But one thing we did learn is.....if you wish they could be there, invite them. We had a very small wedding, only 54 attending and we wanted to keep it less than 60. With only two months to plan, we sent out invitations totalling 60, my DH didn't invite a friend who lives in Vancouver assuming he'd have to decline and not wanting him to feel obligated to attend. They are friends, but not in constant touch. We ended up eating crow over that one as he was very hurt and said he would have attended and was saddened that he wasn't invited. This happened before the wedding so we of course told him we would love it if he could come, but since he didn't receive the initial invitation, he didn't. We have since made amends and been forgiven....thankfully.

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

heather972 — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 12:49:59 GMT

I think in total we have around 50 courtesy invites to do, however we talked to the parents on both sides, and we have cut that number down to around 30, although if we may end up inviting them if we can afford it. our parents are excited about the wedding, and since they are paying for them, I think it's only fair that we try to keep everyone happy. Plus it's a nice way to get the family all together, even if we do not like them.

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

Ceriwen — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 12:42:47 GMT

Our guest list is strictly limited to people who we have seen in the last year... and someone from my old work who I still write to about once a week... and thats it! we want a small wedding with those who we love and those who love us... I think that if you haven't seen someone in a long time that your not really close to... family or not... you shouldnt invite them... if they see your announcment in the paper then they might show up to the acctual cerimony but not the reception...

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

nonbride — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 00:42:17 GMT

Well, I hadn't been on the site for a week or so, and I come back, and I have all this great feedback!
Thanks, everyone. I doubted my feelings at first, but now I feel like I'm making the right decision. Sit on it, mom!

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

crazykewl — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 15:19:19 GMT

I'm not inviting anybody who could potentially say "I haven't seen you since you were knee high to a grasshopper":hehe:

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

desbride07 — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 10:16:28 GMT

that is another reason why i am doing a DW, i am only inviting friends and family. family only consists of first cousins, aunts & uncles, grandparents, parents and siblings. A lot won't be able to make it because of travel, like my one cousin who lives in Hong Kong... do not think he will be making it but he invited me to his India wedding so i think i would invite him to my Mexico wedding. The only guests that will come are the ones that actually care for me since they have to spend $$$ to come see me get married. I wasn't going to invite that many people but my dad made a fuss about his twin sister not being invited so if i had to invite her i had to invite all the others because my dads side of the family hold grudges against people for some reason. its hard because it is the nice thing to do but just remember that it IS your day and you can have anyone you want there... but if someone else is chiping in financially wise, you have to consider who that want to invite too. BUT if you two are the ones footing all the bills then have whomever you want...

good luck!

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

MrsMtobe — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 00:03:45 GMT

[quote][b]nonbride (4/12/2006)[/b][hr]At my brother's wedding, he and his wife-to-be invited a bunch of extended family and people they hadn't heard from in years, "just to be polite." As they did this, they made a point of saying, "We invited them, but we hope they don't show up."
Am I crazy to think that if you don't want someone there, they shouldn't recieve an invite? My mother keeps saying that sending the obligatory invite is the *nice* thing to do, but I just don't feel right about it. A wedding is a time to have your nearest and dearest with you...not some cousin who couldn't care less about you or your big day, and is just there for the food. Can anyone shed some light?[/quote]

I don't think you need any light shed .. you have the right idea!!! Good for you and stick to your guns on it!!!

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

kruk — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 20:55:16 GMT

[quote][b]mombride (4/12/2006)[/b][hr]why do we do it?

because we have to

we have "courtesy invites" too. but what i consider a "courtesy" invite is someone we genuinely want to invite but don't expect to come because of distance.

then there are the "obligatory invites". those people that you really don't like and have to invite because if you don't you mother will still scorn you and villify you for it on her deathbed many years from now. [/quote]

I am sooo glad my mother doesn't expect this from me! Not that I'd let her get away with it.

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

Rissy26 — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 19:50:39 GMT

I completely agree - why pay for someone's food and drink when you don't even care for them? I don't want someone I loathe watching me get married! My mom added some people to the guest list that I "dislike very much". I accidentally on-purpose forgot to invite them. Oops!

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

julesmc — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 18:35:17 GMT

Both sets of our parents were awesome. They didn't question the guest list. I was a little concerned because I didn't invite some first cousins (that I have no relationship with) but my dad had no problem with it.

Now that it's done I don't have a problem if someone asks me about it at the wedding either. I really want to look out and see all the people I want to be there, I don't want people there I felt I had to invite.

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

SophieBomb — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:53:46 GMT

I personally don't beleive in courtesy invites!! A wedding should be spent with only the people close to you!

(My brother did it and ended up with 35 extra head to feed!!!!)

Back when I was planning my own wedding, we were paying for the entire thing ourselves and were inviting only the 45 family members and friends closest to us! Then again, if parents are contributing and if they want courtesy invites, then you don't really have a choice!

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

mombride — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:50:09 GMT

my mom was the opposite smirle,

she didn't want me inviting anyone from her family or longtime friends because either she wasn't talking to them or because she's embarrased that we chose to put off our wedding until we could better afford it and put having a family first before a wedding. oh how shameful we are, living together and having kids and leaving the formalities for when we were ready for them and able to do it without having to live in a car to pay for it.

if she had her way we'd just sign papers in a jps office and tell no one, lol.

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

AlanaBanana — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:42:26 GMT

There's a woman I know that I don't want at my wedding, but if I don't invite her and she finds out about it, she'll make mine and my family's life miserable. It's easier to tolerate her presence for 1 special day then to tolerate her complaining for a decade.

I'm much closer to some relatives than others, but it's completely inappropriate of me to invite one of my mother's sisters and not the other sister just because the relationship is different. My grandmother would be horrified, and neither my mother, my aunts, or anyone else with ears would never hear the end of it.

Sometimes it's worth it to keep the family peace.

This is when a bride learns that her wedding isn't just for her and the groom... it's for her family, too.

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

smirle — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:40:44 GMT

I agree, mombride!

Both sets of parents were great when we asked them for their guest lists and kept them very reasonable; as a result, there aren't going to be many guests at our wedding that we don't know very well. But if my mom had asked me to invite someone I didn't know well who she felt strongly about coming, I'd have done so to make her happy (within reason, of course; FH and I are paying!). But even if part of me hoped they didn't come, NEVER would I say that aloud for fear of it getting back to the guests and hurting people's feelings.

I think most weddings have some courtesy invites; the key is to never let anyone know who the "courtesy" invites are! ;)

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

mombride — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:35:46 GMT

why do we do it?

because we have to

we have "courtesy invites" too. but what i consider a "courtesy" invite is someone we genuinely want to invite but don't expect to come because of distance.

but making a point of telling people that "i'm inviting so and so but really don't want them to come" is just plain speaking before thinking. comments like that will get back to those guests.

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

dansfiance — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 15:53:57 GMT

wow.. if someone suggested to me that i should invite cousin blah to my wedding who i've never met or have nothing to do with, I would not be impressed. And I would tell them that to their face. I just don't get some people these days

RE: Non-invite faux pas?

KiKiLondon — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 15:50:14 GMT

I totally agree with you. We're keeping our guest list as small as possible. I just want to be with our close friends and family. I don't think it's rude. I think you should be allowed to invite only the people you really want to see.

Everybody knows that our wedding is going to be rather intimate, and I have no problem telling people that "we are really sorry we couldn't include all our friends in our celebration plans".

I was thinking that if we're inviting friends from a certain group but not all of them, the ones that didn't make the list will get a phone call from us to explain the situation. It's a tough job, but I would rather be told that there wasn't enough room to invite everybody, than to hear that people have received their invitation but not me... What do you think?

Non-invite faux pas?

nonbride — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 15:39:51 GMT

At my brother's wedding, he and his wife-to-be invited a bunch of extended family and people they hadn't heard from in years, "just to be polite." As they did this, they made a point of saying, "We invited them, but we hope they don't show up."
Am I crazy to think that if you don't want someone there, they shouldn't recieve an invite? My mother keeps saying that sending the obligatory invite is the *nice* thing to do, but I just don't feel right about it. A wedding is a time to have your nearest and dearest with you...not some cousin who couldn't care less about you or your big day, and is just there for the food. Can anyone shed some light?