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RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 20:52:40 GMT

EL..

Tonight FH called his brother and talked to him and told him everything I wanted him to.. which is not in the norm at all. FBIL, wanted to talk to me.. so I put my feelings aside and got on the phone with him. He said that he was extremely sorry for everything and that he did what he was asked(about the crown and anchor) and we now have it. He went on to tell me that he has been very busy recently and that he is again sorry for not being there for FH. I told him what I needed him to do and what he hasn't been doing.. he said that he will have everything we need by the end of the week. With that being said... I am still weary of course. We will see what happens and if he is truly sorry. I know you said everything with the best of intentions and I appreciate it. I understand that you were giving my an option and I know that you didn't mean to cancel the wedding. FH was dealt with too... he knows where things stand and thats why he is doing all he is to get the ball rolling and his brother to do what he needs to do. I really do thank you for giving me your help and opinions.

RE: What would you do if you were...

everlovin — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 19:22:15 GMT

[quote][b]leggebride (4/18/2006)[/b][hr

Thanks EL..

I have taken control of the situation and am waiting to hear from my MOH about getting the stuff for the jack and jill. I am not going to call off the wedding because his brothers an ***. It just makes me want to put more of an effort forth to make him show his true colors and look like the "dickhead" he is. FH.. has stepped up.. thank god! I pretty much laid it on the line to him and told him that I am not going to put up with the bull***. He called his brother and laid into him.. his brother did appoligize for being an ass... however the appoligy was to little to late for me and I have taken over all of his duties.. I love my FH to much to let this prevent us from marrying.. hell for all we know that may be what his brother wants in the first place. The only thing expected from his brother is to show up on our wedding day, stand there and thats it. Thank you for telling it me straight ONCE AGAIN!![/quote]

Factually speaking, I wasn't telling you to actually cancel the wedding but I can see how you thought I was.

The impression I got from your posts was that your FH wasn't taking you all that seriously when you were complaining about his brother. Sometimes, it takes drastic moves to hammer home the point. All I was suggesting is that you begin to take steps toward a civil ceremony and then essentially drop that bomb on your FH (cancelling the wedding and going for a civil ceremony) in order to demonstrate just how upset you are with his brother and his own lack of action.

In no way did I actually believe that the wedding would get cancelled. I figured that the mere hint of a cancellation would shock your FH into action and make him choose you over his dumbass brother. Of course, if he did not choose you over his bro, then that would be a whole other issue for you, now wouldn't it?

IMHO, he should have done more than just laying into his brother. He should have either fired him on the spot or put his boot squarely up his bro's butt. In any event, his bro isn't really doing the job he should because you have taken over all his duties. Sorry..... big mistake. Your FH should have made his bro do all those things by a certain date or else.

As it stands now, your FBIL is getting the free ride he was looking for and you have saddled yourself with a whole slew of stuff that isn't your problem. I think your FH has let you down by allowing you to let his bro off the hook.

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 17:05:44 GMT

[quote][b]everlovin (4/18/2006)[/b][hr]As I said in my earlier post, you need to

take control of the situation. Since your

wedding has disaster written all over it

due to the attitude of FH's brother, then

why not tell your FH that the wedding is

off.

You no longer want all this stress that is

being caused directly by his dickhead of a

brother, so....... the best way to solve this

problem (since your FH obviously can't

control his brother) is to call it off.

Make a call to the local registry office

and make a list of some available dates

for the two of you to be married. Put

together a complete plan for such a

wedding and show it to your FH at

the same time as you tell him the

wedding is off. He needs to see

something solid so that he knows that

you are dead serious.

IF you can make him realize that you have

had enough of his brother's crap and that

his wedding is about to go up in smoke, I

bet your FH will fire his brother and pick

someone new. After all, he knows just

how much this wedding has meant to you

up to this point and I don't really think that

he is going to want the task of explaining

to his parents as to why you have called

off the wedding.

The current "worst man" is his choice, not

yours; therefore, he has to take all the

responsibility for his initial decision to

make his brother his best man and for not

getting his brother to do the job he

accepted. Yeah, I know. It's a tough

move for you to make but what's your

alternative?

Are you going to just sit back and let this

jerk undermine the plans you are making?

That last stupid move by the best man

should have been enough for your FH to

finally fire his brother and get someone

responsible. But it didn't happen. Why

not?

Can you think of any scenario, short of the

one I just outlined, that will move your

FH to get rid of his brother? Sorry, but

your FH needs to understand that he is

about to marry you and that means he

needs to put you first. Especially when

the issues with his brother are so

glaring and totally inappropriate.

Time's awasting legge. The sooner you

take the bull by the horns here, the

better off you will be.

EL [/quote]

Thanks EL..

RE: What would you do if you were...

everlovin — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 07:16:33 GMT

As I said in my earlier post, you need to

take control of the situation. Since your

wedding has disaster written all over it

due to the attitude of FH's brother, then

why not tell your FH that the wedding is

off.

You no longer want all this stress that is

being caused directly by his dickhead of a

brother, so....... the best way to solve this

problem (since your FH obviously can't

control his brother) is to call it off.

Make a call to the local registry office

and make a list of some available dates

for the two of you to be married. Put

together a complete plan for such a

wedding and show it to your FH at

the same time as you tell him the

wedding is off. He needs to see

something solid so that he knows that

you are dead serious.

IF you can make him realize that you have

had enough of his brother's crap and that

his wedding is about to go up in smoke, I

bet your FH will fire his brother and pick

someone new. After all, he knows just

how much this wedding has meant to you

up to this point and I don't really think that

he is going to want the task of explaining

to his parents as to why you have called

off the wedding.

The current "worst man" is his choice, not

yours; therefore, he has to take all the

responsibility for his initial decision to

make his brother his best man and for not

getting his brother to do the job he

accepted. Yeah, I know. It's a tough

move for you to make but what's your

alternative?

Are you going to just sit back and let this

jerk undermine the plans you are making?

That last stupid move by the best man

should have been enough for your FH to

finally fire his brother and get someone

responsible. But it didn't happen. Why

not?

Can you think of any scenario, short of the

one I just outlined, that will move your

FH to get rid of his brother? Sorry, but

your FH needs to understand that he is

about to marry you and that means he

needs to put you first. Especially when

the issues with his brother are so

glaring and totally inappropriate.

Time's awasting legge. The sooner you

take the bull by the horns here, the

better off you will be.

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 03:15:07 GMT

[quote][b]MrsMtobe (4/18/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]leggebride (4/17/2006)[/b][hr]OK.. MRS.M.. I have another thing that maybe you can help me with.. My FH's best man.. just isn't stepping up to his side of his responsibilities. I gave him the peice of paper for the tuxes(the moore's one from the bridal show) and asked him to set things up with eveyone to go and get the tuxes. He hasn't done a thing. I talked to my FH and he said that he would talk to him.. but still NOTHING! He also questioned why they would have to bring the boys(our kids) to get the tuxes.. like its my job or something. LIke I don't have enough to do already.. I am having a hard enough time getting my girls dresses... and the wedding is 4 months away. We are having our jack and jill real soon and he hasnt sold ONE ticket. NONE!! but yet he wants to know why we haven't sold anymore. He says that we need to trust him that most people will buy the tickets at the door. WELL.. how the hell will they do that if they don't know about it? He has been NO help.. he keeps saying that we need to get our *** together.. but hasn't offered any help. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get my FH to talk to him or myself for that matter.. how can I approach this with out being a byatch about it? [/quote]

Sorry I missed this one .... ok let's see .... issues with the best man .... ok ...

Remind the best man that when he accepted the role, he accepted the responsibilities that went with the role. If he has no clue about being a best man and what it entails, then provide him with a list of duties. He has quite a few duties. Beside each duty, write down a date that it must be completed by. If he says "tuxes are taken care of" then follow up with a quick phone call to the tux shop and confirm what he says. If he lies, then I'd be giving him the boot, friend or not ....

As for the stag and doe tickets .. what in the world is he waiting for? I wouldnt rely on sales at the door, but that is me. Now, I'm not sure how many are in your wedding party, but I'd be giving them each an amount of tickets to sell ... and there should be no reason they cant sell 10-20 tickets each. Sales at the door are BONUS ticket sales.

I hate to say this, but the best man sounds like a lazy twit who thinks things will happen and take care of themselves - by themselves.... he needs a drastic wake up call. Invite him over, and with your FH present, explain to him that he has a role to fulfill and if he cant, then to let you know right then and there. But, as of that moment, you want his word, that he will start to do what is expected of him and by the date specified by you and your FH.

You do not need any more headaches from someone whose role is to be supportive of you and your FH - in every sense of the word. If he is unable to be proactive in his role, then your FH needs to remove him and choose someone else.

I hope that helps gf! :)[/quote]

Your right.. I don't need anymore stress ... Today added more!! He seems to think that its ok that he tell someone from my FH past to come to the jack and jill and get some money off my FH that he owes him. FH was PISSED!! as was I!! What gives him the right to do that? He said" bud, don't worry your gonna have a couple grand whats a couple hundred bux?" to my FH(which I forgot to mention was his brother of all people). FH put him in his place and told him he was crazy and that he had NO right . . and again another issue.. In our first bridal party meeting I asked the best man to find out about getting the crown and anchor wheel from the hall cause he said he could get it for free... That was over a month ago.. so last week he called and said to me.. How many tickets have you sold? I said I don't know.. How many have you sold.. He laughed and said NONE!! but don't worry all my buddies are buying at the door... then i asked him.. so, did you find out about the wheel he said no and said that he would call FH the next day and let him know. NO CALL!! so while my FH was ***ing him out today.. he asked about it and his resonse was..SORRY BUD I FORGOT TO CALL HER!!! WTF!! NOW I AM BOILING! I said thats it I am going to get it myself I am tired of waiting for him. FH and I had it out over this whole thing and I am tired of the stress. Its almost like his brother doesn't want us to do aswell or better then him and his wife. Well let me tell you how that isn't going to happen.. not when you have someone sabotaging your every idea and move. GRRRR!!!! I just want to give up on it all. Sorry about the ranting and raving and babbling..

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 00:02:43 GMT

[quote][b]leggebride (4/17/2006)[/b][hr]OK.. MRS.M.. I have another thing that maybe you can help me with.. My FH's best man.. just isn't stepping up to his side of his responsibilities. I gave him the peice of paper for the tuxes(the moore's one from the bridal show) and asked him to set things up with eveyone to go and get the tuxes. He hasn't done a thing. I talked to my FH and he said that he would talk to him.. but still NOTHING! He also questioned why they would have to bring the boys(our kids) to get the tuxes.. like its my job or something. LIke I don't have enough to do already.. I am having a hard enough time getting my girls dresses... and the wedding is 4 months away. We are having our jack and jill real soon and he hasnt sold ONE ticket. NONE!! but yet he wants to know why we haven't sold anymore. He says that we need to trust him that most people will buy the tickets at the door. WELL.. how the hell will they do that if they don't know about it? He has been NO help.. he keeps saying that we need to get our *** together.. but hasn't offered any help. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get my FH to talk to him or myself for that matter.. how can I approach this with out being a byatch about it? [/quote]

Sorry I missed this one .... ok let's see .... issues with the best man .... ok ...

I hope that helps gf! :)

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 16:46:33 GMT

[quote][b]everlovin (4/17/2006)[/b][hr]In most instances, I would be cheering for

your bio-logical father. However, according

to what you have posted about him, he

doesn't deserve my support nor yours

either. Being a real father is more than

the sex act itself. He obviously is a very

shallow and self-centered person. In your

shoes, I would give him one more chance

to step up to his role as your father by

asking him for a solid, irrevocable answer

as to whether he is coming or not. IF he

gives you a reply that is not solid, then

tell him this.

"Dad. Since you wish to continue trying to

play these head games with me, I am now

forced to make your decision for you. As

of right now, neither you nor your wife will

be invited to my wedding because FH and

I only want people around us on that day

who love and support us. Thanks for

proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that

everything mom has said about you over

the years is absolutely true. Go live your

own life however you wish to. You and I

are done. Neither of you will be included

in any future events in my life."

If you are old enough to get married, then

you are old enough to take charge of your

life and your wedding plans. Go to your

step-dad and tell him that he will be the

only "father figure" present at the

wedding and that you look forward to

having him walk you down the aisle and

dancing that all-important first dance with

him.

With respect to the worst man situation,

I would be going to see him face-to-face

and telling him this.

"Listen up buddy. This is my wedding that

you are f*cking around with here. You

have a job to do as best man. If you need

a list of what that job entails, here it is.

Get off your a s s and start selling tickets

as well as getting the whole tuxedo issue

looked after. Because...... if you don't, I

will tell my FH that either you go or I do.

So.... if it comes down to my FH having

to choose between you and me, which

way do you think he will lean? If you

don't have certain provable results by the

end of this week/month (whatever), then

the axe is going to fall. Either you step

into the role my FH gave you or you won't

be at his wedding in any capacity. Got it?"

Having your fingers tightly clenched

around his balls while you are delivering

this ultimatum is also highly effective.

As long as you twiddle your thumbs and

not show this jerk what you are made of,

this problem will persist. Take charge.

If you don't, then do not complain about

the results or lack thereof.

[/quote]

Thank you EL.. your words ring very ture to my ears... I thank you for your support and advice! I have already began the taking charge of the situation. I grabbed FH by the balls and told him to get his act together and deal with what needs to be done. We will see what happens from this point on!

RE: What would you do if you were...

Allegra — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 14:08:43 GMT

I really feel that regardless of what you do with your dad--or whether or not he shows--you need to do something to honor your stepfather. If he's as great a man as you say, and excited about your marriage to boot, then he's the one who really deserves it regardless of biology.

Of course, this is just my personal opinion and you are free to do as you wish but I don't see why you are so peroccupied about honoring a man who was not there for you (and just may disappoint you again) but not someone who has been there for you and your mother.

RE: What would you do if you were...

everlovin — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 13:30:17 GMT

In most instances, I would be cheering for

your bio-logical father. However, according

to what you have posted about him, he

doesn't deserve my support nor yours

either. Being a real father is more than

the sex act itself. He obviously is a very

shallow and self-centered person. In your

shoes, I would give him one more chance

to step up to his role as your father by

asking him for a solid, irrevocable answer

as to whether he is coming or not. IF he

gives you a reply that is not solid, then

tell him this.

"Dad. Since you wish to continue trying to

play these head games with me, I am now

forced to make your decision for you. As

of right now, neither you nor your wife will

be invited to my wedding because FH and

I only want people around us on that day

who love and support us. Thanks for

proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that

everything mom has said about you over

the years is absolutely true. Go live your

own life however you wish to. You and I

are done. Neither of you will be included

in any future events in my life."

If you are old enough to get married, then

you are old enough to take charge of your

life and your wedding plans. Go to your

step-dad and tell him that he will be the

only "father figure" present at the

wedding and that you look forward to

having him walk you down the aisle and

dancing that all-important first dance with

him.

With respect to the worst man situation,

I would be going to see him face-to-face

and telling him this.

"Listen up buddy. This is my wedding that

you are f*cking around with here. You

have a job to do as best man. If you need

a list of what that job entails, here it is.

Get off your a s s and start selling tickets

as well as getting the whole tuxedo issue

looked after. Because...... if you don't, I

will tell my FH that either you go or I do.

So.... if it comes down to my FH having

to choose between you and me, which

way do you think he will lean? If you

don't have certain provable results by the

end of this week/month (whatever), then

the axe is going to fall. Either you step

into the role my FH gave you or you won't

be at his wedding in any capacity. Got it?"

Having your fingers tightly clenched

around his balls while you are delivering

this ultimatum is also highly effective.

As long as you twiddle your thumbs and

not show this jerk what you are made of,

this problem will persist. Take charge.

If you don't, then do not complain about

the results or lack thereof.

RE: What would you do if you were...

dansfiance — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 12:36:36 GMT

I just read this whole post and MrsM was a good support beam for this.. great advice girl!!

RE: What would you do if you were...

Sarah13 — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 12:00:11 GMT

MrsM (as always :) ) handled the father/stepfather issue just perfectly in my opinion. I second her opinions. Your step-dad sounds amazing.

What I found worked for me in terms of getting my FH to help out, was to give him a list - we sat down (briefly) and I went through things that need to get done and give him a list that has stuff I want him to deal with. The list is for both of us so he can see what I'm doing (lots more) and I know what I have allocated to him. Its worked so far. I do it in stages so that there's not a huge list all at once.

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 02:42:20 GMT

OK.. MRS.M.. I have another thing that maybe you can help me with.. My FH's best man.. just isn't stepping up to his side of his responsibilities. I gave him the peice of paper for the tuxes(the moore's one from the bridal show) and asked him to set things up with eveyone to go and get the tuxes. He hasn't done a thing. I talked to my FH and he said that he would talk to him.. but still NOTHING! He also questioned why they would have to bring the boys(our kids) to get the tuxes.. like its my job or something. LIke I don't have enough to do already.. I am having a hard enough time getting my girls dresses... and the wedding is 4 months away. We are having our jack and jill real soon and he hasnt sold ONE ticket. NONE!! but yet he wants to know why we haven't sold anymore. He says that we need to trust him that most people will buy the tickets at the door. WELL.. how the hell will they do that if they don't know about it? He has been NO help.. he keeps saying that we need to get our shit together.. but hasn't offered any help. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get my FH to talk to him or myself for that matter.. how can I approach this with out being a byatch about it?

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:37:47 GMT

heheheheehehehe:D

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:26:03 GMT

Awww..lmao!!

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:23:00 GMT

awwwwwwwwwwww :blush: yer making me blush now :hehe:

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:19:37 GMT

[quote][b]MrsMtobe (4/17/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]leggebride (4/16/2006)[/b][hr]It does take someone special to take on someone else's kids and love them as they are your own. I love him for that. He didn't have to do it.. he wanted to and that makes it more special to me.:)[/quote]

Exactly!!! :D[/quote]

LOL!! your so cute!

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:16:56 GMT

[quote][b]leggebride (4/16/2006)[/b][hr]It does take someone special to take on someone else's kids and love them as they are your own. I love him for that. He didn't have to do it.. he wanted to and that makes it more special to me.:)[/quote]

Exactly!!! :D

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 23:05:58 GMT

It does take someone special to take on someone else's kids and love them as they are your own. I love him for that. He didn't have to do it.. he wanted to and that makes it more special to me.:)

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 15:47:11 GMT

hey, you know I'm always around .. if you ever need to talk, like we are now or in PM ... feel free and I always have a hug for everyone!

you know .. you'll feel so good about yourself on your wedding day, when/if you have that special dance with a man who has been a great father figure for you ... your step dad. He sounds like a wonderful man and what better way to say thank-you to him for whatever he has done (in different ways) for you while growing up than to dance together. It's going to mean the world to him, and it will mean the world to you that he IS there for you and in years to come, when you look back on this day, you'll have absolutely no regrets having shared that special moment in time with your stepdad. ..... any many can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a STEP-DADDY!!!!!:)

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 15:00:04 GMT

"quote"Instead of mending broken fences NOW and trying to put your relationship on the mend, he contiues the cycle because of his own misery. In this case, there is really nothing you can do except to leave him be, and come to his own senses on his own time, whenever that may be. Though it may be too late when and if he does come to his senses, at that time, you can decide whether or not you wish to try again. Until then, be true to yourself, and the people around you who truly love and support you. You will never make your father proud or happy .. but you can make yourself happy by removing yourself from his negativity. Please yourself, because you may never please him."quote"

MrsM. You are very right.. I will never be able to please him or be able to live up to his standards. Which really I don't think is humanly possible. He is a miserable man.. VERY miserable. He blames the way he grew up and the things that happen to him as a child on the way he is today. I have a GREAT support system in my life. I unfortunately don't think he will ever see the error in his ways.. he is pretty much set in his thinking and says he will never be dictated to nor could anyone tell him he's wrong. I personally had a rough life but you will NEVER hear me say.. its someone elses fault for the way that I am. I am a grown up and I take responsibilty for my desicions and actions.. something my father can learn from.. but I already know its a hopeless cause with him.. I had a talk with my mom and she told me to just leave it alone and it is his loss if he doesn't come. I agree. Altough it is hard.. I know that the ones that show up will be there for the right reasons. Thank you for your hugs.. I needed them!!!

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 14:37:47 GMT

Huge hugs to you!

I know how you feel ... we seek approval and support from the people (our parents) who are supposed to love us unconditionally and who should be there for us, supporting us emotionally during events in our lives that are meaningful for us. We want them to be happy for us and to put aside differences of opinion to be there with us to show us they support us.

Your father seems incapable of any of this because he is in a "selfish mode" and his new wife surely doesnt not help the situation (given that she was laughing while you were talking with your dad about things). He's incapable of being happy for you and supporting you because he himself is miserable. So, what does he do? Instead of mending broken fences NOW and trying to put your relationship on the mend, he contiues the cycle because of his own misery. In this case, there is really nothing you can do except to leave him be, and come to his own senses on his own time, whenever that may be. Though it may be too late when and if he does come to his senses, at that time, you can decide whether or not you wish to try again. Until then, be true to yourself, and the people around you who truly love and support you. You will never make your father proud or happy .. but you can make yourself happy by removing yourself from his negativity. Please yourself, because you may never please him.

Hugs!

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 14:17:09 GMT

[quote][b]MrsMtobe (4/16/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]leggebride (4/16/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]JennAnn (4/16/2006)[/b][hr]I totally agree with MrsMtobe and I say that you honor your step father regardless if your dad shows up or not. When he realizes that he is not being honored and that the attention is not on him he may own up and see the error of his ways. I personally wouldn't let him control my day. Remember this day is all about you and you FH and your marriage to one another. Don't let him take away from that and ruin it by making you all upset.[/quote]

Your right it is about me and my fh. I will be upset if he doesn't show..but I know I will get over it..I always do. I fear that he will send back the reply as coming then NOT come!![/quote]

If he replies that he will attend and then doesn't, THEN I would contact him after the wedding/honeymoon and give it to him with both barrels. Tell him exactly how you feel right then and there. Tell him that his choice to not attend your wedding was very selfish of him to do and that seeing his daughter on her wedding day is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT and that he will never ever be able to recapture that day or have any memories of your wedding day.

I would then tell him that you are sick and tired of his behaviour and that for an adult, he behaves worse than a child. He needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his actions and behaviour OR lack thereof.

Then I would tell him that continuing any type of relationship with him at this time is not possible because you do not have time in your life to deal with his immaturity. Tell him that you are greatful that you have your mother and stepdad in your lives, for they don't give you this drama and BS. They love you unconditionally and are always there for you and would never dream of behaving this way with you.

Then zing him with the fact that you enjoyed (rather immensely) the special father daughter dance that you shared with your stepdad. And mention "had you been there dad, you might have shared a special father daughter dance with me as well, but since you didnt show up, that is something you will have to live with the rest of your life and come to terms with it. I've accepted that you dont want to be part of my life or your grandchildren's lives .. so be it. Take care and SEE YA!! "

Sorry, but that is how I'd handle him if I were you!![/quote]

Don't be sorry at all.. it's a wake up call to me and I need that...

I am going to have to cut and paste what you wrote there. . . I would probably be so pissed of that I would just not say a word to him again. You say it so well .. it will help me to see those word when and if the time comes. He does deserve me to give it to him both barrels NOW.. but I haven't yet. Thanks again..

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 14:10:23 GMT

[quote][b]leggebride (4/16/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]JennAnn (4/16/2006)[/b][hr]I totally agree with MrsMtobe and I say that you honor your step father regardless if your dad shows up or not. When he realizes that he is not being honored and that the attention is not on him he may own up and see the error of his ways. I personally wouldn't let him control my day. Remember this day is all about you and you FH and your marriage to one another. Don't let him take away from that and ruin it by making you all upset.[/quote]

Your right it is about me and my fh. I will be upset if he doesn't show..but I know I will get over it..I always do. I fear that he will send back the reply as coming then NOT come!![/quote]

Sorry, but that is how I'd handle him if I were you!!

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 13:18:29 GMT

[quote][b]JennAnn (4/16/2006)[/b][hr]I totally agree with MrsMtobe and I say that you honor your step father regardless if your dad shows up or not. When he realizes that he is not being honored and that the attention is not on him he may own up and see the error of his ways. I personally wouldn't let him control my day. Remember this day is all about you and you FH and your marriage to one another. Don't let him take away from that and ruin it by making you all upset.[/quote]

Your right it is about me and my fh. I will be upset if he doesn't show..but I know I will get over it..I always do. I fear that he will send back the reply as coming then NOT come!!

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 13:10:51 GMT

Mrs.M,

Thank you again.. you are so right! As far as knocking my dads wife across the head trust me.. I HAVE WANTED TO DO THAT FOR MANY MANY YEARS! She is just as bad as he is.. she chose him over her own kids(but thats another story all in itself). Neither one deserve for me to think twice about them. My mom tells me all the time.. don't worry about it, everything will work out the way its suppose to. I think that maybe I will just swallow the hurt and honor my step dad whether or not my father comes. He does deserve it!!!;)

RE: What would you do if you were...

JennAnn — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 11:47:43 GMT

I totally agree with MrsMtobe and I say that you honor your step father regardless if your dad shows up or not. When he realizes that he is not being honored and that the attention is not on him he may own up and see the error of his ways. I personally wouldn't let him control my day. Remember this day is all about you and you FH and your marriage to one another. Don't let him take away from that and ruin it by making you all upset.

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 04:56:17 GMT

[quote][b]leggebride (4/16/2006)[/b][hr]Thanks MRSM..

You named only a few of my fathers personality traits and there is no offence taken.. he is a whole hell of alot worse then that. Thats why I am so conflicted.. I don't understand why I would want a man who is such an %*^hole to walk me down the aisle. I have talked to him and told him that its important to me that he be there regardless of the past and he said to me" I am not coming to your wedding to sooth your ego." As much as that hurt I had to say "its not about my ego, your my father and I want you there, but I understand." his response was"you mean thats all I had to say." I proceeded to tell him that as much as its going to hurt and as dissappointed I am I can't force him to come. Through the whole conversation his wife was laughing in the background about it all. My father changes his mind from one minute to the next.. it that same conversation he continued on like it was nothing asking questions about the hall and where they would stay and about there truck being able to make to toronto. GRRR!! why does he play with my head and emotions like that. Normally I wouldn't talk to him after he pulled something like that .. but I am taking it because I want him to be there so bad. I think I might just go with the idea of my boys giving me away...it seems appropriate. How can I go about not hurting my step dad if my dad doesn't come and I decide not to do the dance? I don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough.[/quote]

How sad to read that your father's wife was laughing in the background ... makes me wanna bytch slap her ... ughhhhh

As for your dad ... he's trying to regain control of "his little girl" by manipulating you and making you feel guilty (look at his responses ... total manipulating and trying to make you feel guilty in my opinion).

ok hang on a sec ....

so in the same conversation your father asks questions about the hall etc.. as if he was coming to the wedding? MIND GAMES ... again .. manipulative games to control you... don't fall victim to that.

I understand you want your dad there ... but when he acts like this, would you really want him there on your dad acting like this? I'm not so sure I'd want him there or his wife .. I'd wanna smack her upside the head!

this is what I honestly feel ... your dad doesnt deserve any special recognition especially with what you say he said above ... and changing his mind and playing games. If I were in your shoes, I'd have my sons walk me up the aisle ... and during the reception, I'd have a special dance with my stepdad EVEN IF MY REAL DAD WAS THERE.... WHY??? ... because here you have a man that respects you, treats you well, supports you emotionally at all times and your decision to take the all important step of marriage ... he's been more of a father than just a stepfather... know what I mean??

With your dad pulling this crap .. I would deny HIM and ONLY HIM the pleasure of dancing with you on your wedding day. But don't deny your stepdad the pleasure of a special dance just because your real dad may not choose to attend. Give him that pleasure. And, if your dad does show up, maybe when he sees you dancing with your stepdad to a special song he will realize the error of his ways and finally regret his manipulative behaviour.

RE: What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 02:25:35 GMT

Thanks MRSM..

RE: What would you do if you were...

MrsMtobe — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 02:09:13 GMT

[quote][b]leggebride (4/16/2006)[/b][hr]ladies it goes like this...

My parents were divorced when I was three and they have both since remarried. I don't really get along with my father but for some odd reason I really want him to walk me down the isle and to have my father daughter dance with him. My step father has been more of a father to me and a grandfather to my kids then my own dad. He treats my mother so well its awesome. Here's the problem.. My father has told me that he will and that he will not be coming to the wedding.. depends on the day I guess. I really want him to walk me down the isle. My step father will be there with bells on. He has been very supportive of me. I don't know what to do.. IF my father comes to the wedding then who will walk me down the isle? DAD OR STEP DAD? I was thinking I could prevent any hard feelings to them both if I had my sons do it.. but then my selfish longing to have my dad walk me down the isle kicks in. I used to be "daddies little girl" but I grew up and saw him for the real him and voiced my own independent thought and he didn't like that one bit.. thus the tension between us.. among other things. That still doesn't take the longing away. I don't want to hurt my step father because he is a great man but if my dad doesn't show then I almost think it would be better to walk alone. What about the father daughter dance? If my dad shows up then I want to have it. I will probably do a step dad dance aswell in that case.. BUT if my father doesn't show.. then I want nothing to do with the whole thing and that includes the step dad dance. I know that comes across as selfish and it probably is.. but it will hurt me so much to know that once again I wasn't good enough for my own father. I would be to upset to do that kind of dance and that wouldn't fair to my step dad or me. I don't want my step dad to feel like he's a replacement or that he isn't good enough. I just think it will hurt me to much to do those things with anyone else. If there is one thing in this wedding(other then marrying my hunny) its to have my father there and to have his support.. to have the father daughter dance and to have him walk me down the isle even if we don't see eye to eye.. maybe its just me wanting to have his support more then anything and that would be the way he would show it to me. I don't know. .. . all I know is that I am conflicted and hurting and don't know what to do. :crying:[/quote]

Wow.... tough situation.

It seems you are seeking support and approval from your father who thinks it is perfectly ok to change his mind as he changes his underpants whether he attends your wedding or not. I think you need to talk to him to set that straight first and foremost.

Now, your stepdad sounds like a wonderful man who has been there for you and supports and approves of your marriage. I can see why you would have difficulty choosing between him and your real dad.

If your dad walks you down the aisle, and you do the father/daughter dance, I agree you should do one to honour your stepdad too! it will mean so much to your stepdad if you did include him in that way.

No offence, but your real dad sounds like he's manipulative and controlling. He is saying he will be coming to the wedding, then not coming etc ... why? Make a decision and stick with it, in my books. You are his daughter ... what could possibly keep him from your wedding? Again, is it to be manipulative and controlling?? Something to think about??

I like the idea of your sons walking you up the aisle. That would solve the problem of the walk up the aisle, regardless if your dad shows or not. If he does show, you can still do both dances with your dad and stepdad.

What would you do if you were...

leggebride — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 01:54:36 GMT

ladies it goes like this...