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RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

The RealFishy — Mon, 01 May 2006 13:25:00 GMT

wow Fascha, you are a brave girl. Good luck to you on this one.

I think you will have to make sure from the start that he knows that there will not be any her roles/his roles as far as the house in concerned. I find I usually end up doing a bit more of the work around the house, but it's mostly becasue FH can't multi task so everything seems to take him longer. I make sure to do some of the jobs that tis his family were his dad's jobs to emphasize that we are both equal in all household chores (e.g, I take turns mowing the lawn). And we establish some rules e.g. who ever gets home first starts dinner.

If he suggests to you that "my mom would always... around the house", you could tactfully offer to provide him with whatever he needs to do that job. It may mean that sometimes at the start things get a bit messy, but standing your ground at the beginning will be worth it in the long run. And don't be afraid to say "get your ass off the couch and clean the toilet while I am doing the ironing! If I don't get to rest yet, neither do you!" as harsh as it may seem, again it will pay off in the long run.

As for cooking, try finding him a nice simple cookbook and start by suggesting that every sunday night he tries to make something different from it. Start with weekend when they have the time, and be available to provide technical guidance if required.

Once again, good luck. this is one of the main reasons i would never have considered getting married prior to living with someone. And my mom always told me that you should live with someone at least a full year before getting married - that way you can go through all of the sports seasons with them and find out if you still want to marry them ;)

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

desbride07 — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 19:50:22 GMT

i am one lucky lady!!!

lol...

i almost do not have to lift a finger, he does most of the chores himself while still working evening shifts of 10+ hours. He doesn't insist or pressure me. I help out a lot too do not get me wrong but he does it faster and better than i do. He was spoiled when he grew up too, his mother worked plus did everything at home. The first time he EVER did laundry on his own was when we moved out to go to college. He is not lazy and tells me i am the lazy one... LOL!!!! I do not mind since soon I will be the one doing all the work... I want to be a stay-at-home mom when we have children so my job will be looking after the kids, cooking and cleaning!

My chores right now consist of cooking, some laundry and tidying up whenever needed. Its great! I feel like the husband! LOL

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

suzyq2626 — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 10:59:14 GMT

I think there is an uncurable disease out there that all men suffer from: they think the floor is a closet and/or hamper !!! :hehe: My FH is the same way. I know of a few guys who's mothers are messy, and they are too. But, I also know of a few guys who's mothers are messy, BUT they are VERY CLEAN!
He may actually enjoy living in a clean environment for once, when you move in!

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Allegra — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 10:50:31 GMT

[quote]mombride you're absolutely right; I'm getting a dud!!! I hate his mother for it! Didn't this woman want a LIFE at one point or other that DIDN'T revolve around martyring herself for her 3 slob men??? Oh God help me![/quote] Different generations and different expectations.

Like I said before, though, I'm lucky because FH's mom has always had a life so he has a good role model in her. Although she tends to baby her sons (how many Italian mothers don't?) she's never been tied to the kitchen or anything like that. FH is not used to doing things himself but at least he doesn't expect me to pick up the slack.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

heather972 — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 18:57:05 GMT

I moved in with my FH at the end of january, and he's not bad, one problem he leaves all the dishes in the sink, the dishwasher is right beside it though. I stay at home, just like my mom, so I was brought up learning how to do all the house hold duties, I can clean all my bathrooms in under 30 min. Anyhow I clean the house totally up atleast once a day, it's my job, he works all day, so can I/ I will mow the lawn (once we get one, it's a new house), I just don't shovel the front, he does that one. Just point out to your FH all the stuff you have done in a day, I do this during the weekends, after he comes home from poker with the guys, and then say something like, I did all this, could you vaccum/wash the dishe/ ect... tomorrow morning? Usually it will work.`

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 18:03:16 GMT

mombride you're absolutely right; I'm getting a dud!!! I hate his mother for it! Didn't this woman want a LIFE at one point or other that DIDN'T revolve around martyring herself for her 3 slob men??? Oh God help me!

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

mombride — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 14:47:29 GMT

[quote][b]fascha (4/19/2006)[/b][hr]Not only do they have to be done more often... they're more time consuming... that list will take up the better part of the day, when it takes about 30 minuts to mow the lawn and 2 minutes to take out the trash. I wrote out a list similar to the one I posted and FH and I went through it and did a "you pick one, I pick one" and I'm a little pi$$ed about how that turned out since after the snow/garbage/lawn were taken he declared he needed a shower and left the room![/quote]

i would have said "ditto" - he picked two (since snow/lawn are seasonal opposite each other they count as one chore) i'd pick two taking about equal amount of time, go have my "shower" - come back, hand him the list and tell him its his turn to pick again.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

mombride — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 14:40:39 GMT

i think you just answered your own question

work is one thing - around the home entirely another matter. no matter how hard working a man is on the job that has nothing to do with what he'll be like at home.

i've lived with a few before finding fh and learned a few things:

1. the best man around the house is one who's lived on his own looking after himself (no mommy or gf to do everything for him)

2. like dks, they will take the path of least resistence and least amount of effort on their part

3. they learn what they lived and grew up with. if dad sloughed himself off on the couch leaving mom to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc ... thats the only thing he knows and thats what he'll do.

4. they are retrainable but it will be hard work and take time, discipline, and a lot of effort.

look to the home life he's used to. if mom always did everything for him and he never even had to worry about putting his own dishes in the sink/dishwasher, pick up his own underwear, wipe his own butt ... that's what you are getting. if he had to do chores to help out around the house and clean up after himself then he'll be much more helpful around the house and less of a lazy oaf expecting things to just somehow do themselves.

you should be talking about expectations before the wedding. what exactly you expect from him as far as pulling his own weight in the household and how to divide things evenly.

make sure he knows going in that you expect him to help out. things like taking turns making dinner and the other washes the dishes, etc. if you have to, write a chore chart like you would if he's a little boy. start retraining the moment you move in together otherwise you'll find yourself being more his mommy than his partner.

there is nothing more pathetic than a man saying he doesn't know how to fold a shirt, or cook a pot of mac & cheese, or telling you that he really would help more but can't because he doesn't know what to do while you stand there staring at an extra dog huddled in the corner because the floor so badly needs sweeping, dirty dishes piled on the table, emtpy beer bottles, his gross dirty socks on the kitchen floor (or worse on the table or counter), garbage on the counter - and thinking "so what?! you can't SEE all this mess?"

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Bellasposa — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 11:48:43 GMT

[quote][b]fascha (4/21/2006)[/b][hr]me either, but I am finding that this is actually a GOOD THING, cause when I ask FH about doing the laundry (properly!) he says "I don't know how to do that" and I just come right back at him with "Neither do I! We could learn how to do it TOGETHER" *clenched teeth and all* lol

No excuses!!! :D[/quote]

LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!:P

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 17:10:57 GMT

me either, but I am finding that this is actually a GOOD THING, cause when I ask FH about doing the laundry (properly!) he says "I don't know how to do that" and I just come right back at him with "Neither do I! We could learn how to do it TOGETHER" *clenched teeth and all* lol

No excuses!!! :D

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Bellasposa — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:40:03 GMT

Allegra I also don't do much around the house now...:ermm:

I am going to DIE when I move out. :crying:LOL LOL

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Allegra — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:32:13 GMT

Bella, its not for everyone.

I guess I'm used to it because my mom has one (yes, even though she stays home.) I guess I am spoiled because I don't do that stuff now and I'm not looking forward to doing it when I get married. For me I'd rather deal with the inconvenience of someone in my home than have to clean it myself (yes, I'm lazy LOL), but its a personal thing.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:23:21 GMT

bella there's nothing wrong with that; I'm not crazy about a stranger traipsing through my house while I'm not there... but I would rather have a spotless house than worry about what his parents might think of me (cause they think that it's a waste of money and that you are a lazy slob if you can't do it yourself after you work a 50 hour week and your FH worked a 70... sorry! lol) Anyways... it's not for everyone! Lol

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Bellasposa — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 12:26:28 GMT

Forgot to mention, I'm not keen on a cleaning lady. It is certainly not an issue of money as they are not expensive. FSIL has one and she's fairly reasonable. I'm just not comfortable with a stranger cleaning MY STUFF. I have this insane strange feeling like I SHOULD be doing it or it suggests, I'm a lazy pig -(trust me I know this is not true at all) and I'm just not comfortable with someone wandering around my house cleaning up. I don't know....I'm weird like that I guess. ;)

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Bellasposa — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 12:20:20 GMT

I also have the reverse problem. FH is more of a neat freak than I am. Both our houses are spotless and our mom's do it all, however FH can do laundry and....well...yes you said....I can't (hangs head down in shame) I've never had to do my laundry, as my mom is a stay at home mom and she takes care of everything before I even get home. Call it spoiled, call it whatever you want, the fact is I was never forced to learn. Anyway FH lived on his own for a couple of years and his parents would call him and ask if he needed his laundry and other stuff done and he always said NO. His parents also go away a lot and he's stuck cooking for himself and doing laundry. I mean don't get me wrong, he would rather be playing video games or watching formula one, BUT if I ask him too, he'll pitch in. I'm sure there will be times where he will actually initiate the cleaning because as I've mentioned, he's more of a clean freak.:blink:

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

kellypants — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:13:52 GMT

[quote][b]fascha (4/19/2006)[/b][hr]Oh Kelly I don't DO that; I don't do much trust me! I live with my parents but my mom stays home and that's what she does; so I want my house to be like what I'm used to. We will most likely end up with a cleaning lady because I want down time too. I work too hard to spend the 1 or 2 days I get with FH cleaning! lol[/quote]

Phew! OK, I feel better now... I mean, I know I can be a little lazy about housecleaning sometimes, but I didn't think I was THAT lazy! ;)

I'd love to have my house that clean all the time... which is why I'm still bugging DH for a cleaning lady. We're lucky to have enough time to get the basics done (changing the bed, vacuuming, dusting, laundry) - let alone washing the windows as often as I'd like!

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

ColeK — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:09:42 GMT

I'm not worried about this at all. FH maintains his room (it's always neat, tidy, vacuumed and dusted) he maintains his fish tank, he does all his own landry, snow blows in the winter and mows the lawn in the summer at his parents house. He even offers to do the dishes after I prepare a meal. Though his mothers standards are slightly less then mine and I would never actually allow him to do the dishes (the kitchen and the washroom I am anal about). I am confident that his mother has instilled a great worth ethic and responsibility in him.. the only thing is he will need to be reminded when it comes time to doing the work but he only needs to be asked once.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

gena — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:52:15 GMT

It depends too...for instance, we went to visit his parents but drove late at night. Got there at 3:30am and we were both tired from driving, so instead of going to bed, he had to unpack our bags and placed all toiletries in the washroom. I mean little things like that can drive you crazy.

It's good for major things like keeping the house clean and doing laundry but sometimes it's a little bit too much. It's in his nature but it's all good.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

didi2 — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:03:38 GMT

Lucky indeed!!!! OMG I wish FH was more like that :D

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:39:36 GMT

You are so lucky Gena!!! :D

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

gena — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:32:25 GMT

Hello girls,

I thought i'd join in your conversation,,it's pretty funny how the brides have the same concern when moving in with FH. I, too, am waiting til after our wedding to move in with him..but the funny thing is I am the other way around. I am more concern of him being too neat. My FH has minor OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) everything has to be spotless and put into place.

If we were to fight it's because I didn't put water in the Brita or because I didn't hang my coat in the closet or I didn't wash the dishes. :D

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:11:50 GMT

Oh Kelly I don't DO that; I don't do much trust me! I live with my parents but my mom stays home and that's what she does; so I want my house to be like what I'm used to. We will most likely end up with a cleaning lady because I want down time too. I work too hard to spend the 1 or 2 days I get with FH cleaning! lol

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

kellypants — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:07:33 GMT

[quote][b]fascha (4/19/2006)[/b][hr]I'm glad it's not just my FH then, and that there is a light at the end of my tunnel!

Icy - FH also gave me the song and dance about the "man duties" and I put the kybosh on that stat! Try this...

THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE

Vaccuming the bedrooms - 2 times/week
Cleaning Wood Floors- 2 times/week
Sweeping Kitchen - daily... maybe twice!
Mopping Kitchen and Bath floors - Once/week
Changing the bed sheets - Once/week
Dusting ALL the surfaces of the house - Once/week
Dinner and Dishes - Daily... likely twice
Cleaning windows and sils - Once/month
Laundry and Ironing - 2 times/week
Drying, Folding, Putting away Laundry - 2 times/week
Scrubbing Toilets- Once/week
Cleaning Mirrors and Bath Countertops - Daily
Cleaning Shower/Bathtub - Once/week
Grocery Shopping - Once/week
Cleaning Miscelaneous things like the fridge, closets and drawers... things that you don't think of - Once/Couple of Months

[/quote]

Holy crap fascha - this list puts me to shame! When do you have time to do all this stuff? That's amazing, girl!

DH does a lot to help out around the house, but we don't have a lot of time during the week - neither of us gets home until at least 7 at night, and often not til 8. I go to bed at 10 or 10:30, so we'll do a LITTLE housework at night, but I want my down time too... and then the weekend comes and it's just cleaning all weekend, which sucks too.

I'm working on getting a cleaning lady, but DH is holding out... I'll convince him one of these days! ;)

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:06:45 GMT

Not only do they have to be done more often... they're more time consuming... that list will take up the better part of the day, when it takes about 30 minuts to mow the lawn and 2 minutes to take out the trash. I wrote out a list similar to the one I posted and FH and I went through it and did a "you pick one, I pick one" and I'm a little pi$$ed about how that turned out since after the snow/garbage/lawn were taken he declared he needed a shower and left the room!

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

icywedding — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:00:13 GMT

[quote][b]fascha (4/19/2006)[/b][hr]I'm glad it's not just my FH then, and that there is a light at the end of my tunnel!

Icy - FH also gave me the song and dance about the "man duties" and I put the kybosh on that stat! Try this...

THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE

As you can see... taking out the trash and mowing the lawn/shovelling snow once a week doesn't measure up. There is probably tons of stuff that I missed on the "to do" shortlist, and that's why I told FH that we would SHARE all the jobs that need to be done; and I'm totally willing to rotate with him and take out the trash and shovel snow now and again.... I just don't want all those things on my shoulders.... it's A LOT!!!

[/quote]

I'm going to print this out and photocopy it for my FH.... haha. You make good points though.... the "manly" duties don't have to be done as often... which is also what I tried to explain to him. My tactic will be that if he isn't pulling his weight, I will go on "wife-strike" and let all his dirty socks and dishes add up until it drives him nuts and he has no choice but to turn into Molly-Maid...... mwa-ha-ha :P

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Allegra — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 12:19:27 GMT

I'm sure it'll work out, Fascha. Thankfully, I don't have to hide the cleaning lady thing from his mom or my mom because they both have one so they can't really talk. :D You know, I just think its so important to find a balance that works for both people, whatever that may be. I've heard of so many people getting into fights about simple things like dishes and dusting and it just doesn't seem worth it. But I guess its one of those things that makes the adjustment of learning to live together difficult and its something that every couple has to work through--find a balance and routine that works for them.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 12:15:16 GMT

Allegra we discussed the cleaning lady too; and decided that just so we have time to ourselves after our long weeks, we will probably do the same. The only thing I DIDN'T like about that; is that Fh wanted to pretend to his parents that I was doing it; and that we weren't paying someone to do it since they have the filthy house and the money to hire someone to clean it... God only knows why they don't hire someone.... *sigh* what am I going to do with him? lol

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

Allegra — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 12:12:25 GMT

FH works for his dad, too, and they're really busy. Plus, he's just not the type to pick up a mop or a vacuum but he's already told me that we can hire a cleaning lady, which is fine by me. Its the same thing his mom does and she doesn't even work so its not an alien idea to him.

In general, though, FH is fair and isn't some caveman so I'm not worried. Although, I'm sure there will be some adjustments for him because he is served hand and foot now that he lives at home--oh, well, everyone has to grow up sometime! :D

I know that he sees his general duty as financial provider and I'm fine with that but I'm confident we'll work stuff out so its good for both of us.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 11:47:34 GMT

I'm glad it's not just my FH then, and that there is a light at the end of my tunnel!

Icy - FH also gave me the song and dance about the "man duties" and I put the kybosh on that stat! Try this...

THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

icywedding — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 11:03:47 GMT

Yup..... that's probably my only concern is with regards to the general housework/cleaning. Although my FH is a very tidy guy and hates messes.... he has lived the past 29 years of his life with his mother doing alllll of his laundry and fixing his bed in the morning! Yikes!! We've already had serious conversations about it, and he is very well aware that if he thinks I will be a carbon-copy of his mother then he's in for a BIG surprise!! :P

He swears up and down that he will help out with things too (like tasks we can do together like washing dishes together after dinner, cleaning the house together like he will vacuum and I will dust, etc), but he also reminds me that he will be doing a lot of the "man" duties like mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, etc. that I won't be doing.

I'm sure we'll have arguments about it in the beginning... but I hope that we will find some common ground at some point. He's lucky though... I loooove cooking, so that's one thing I won't bother him about! :D haha

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

AmieL — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 10:52:03 GMT

My DH came from a home where everything was done for him - everything!

When we first moved in together (a few years before we were married), it was tough, because he really didn't do anything around the home. It took a long time, and a lot of resentment on my part, and a lot of fights....but, things are different now. I mean, neither one of us likes housework, but I still like a clean house, and now he knows that I am happier when the house is clean, and when I am happy, he is happy, you know? LOL

Seriously, it was tough, and it took me a while to realize that it just didn't even OCCUR to him that the place needed vacuuming, or that the bathroom needed cleaning, because when he lived at home, it was just done - so I learned to stop expecting him to be a mind reader (I always wanted him to do stuff without being asked), and instead, I would approach him and say something like, "why don't you clean the bathroom and I will vacuum?".....I have found that if I actually ASK him to do something, he will do it.

RE: For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

didi2 — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 10:23:04 GMT

Fasha...I had the same concern before I moved in with FH...His mom is excatly how you have described your FMIL..frankly I was worried..and to my suprise..and probably me being a clean freak..FH does help out around the house...he washes the dishes, vacuums..the toilet he leaves up to me :D, FH works construction so he gets home and he is so tired..but if he is there before I am he will do it..he doesn't do Laundry, dusting and toilet..he helps out with supper etc.. and he is my personal handyman :D...

He never as much as lift a finger at his mom's house...the dinner was served from him (pretty much as in bed) everything was cleaned after him...so to answer you question...with patience and honest talk you can tell him to help out.

I do have to mention....he still has his bad habits..like his closet is a floor...and the closet is just a mess...dirty sock unrolled..so when I do laundry i have tu unroll then one by one!!!!! but I'll train him :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Don't worry...it will be great and you will love him no matter what

For those of you NOT LIVING with FH before....

fascha — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 10:07:09 GMT

I think the only thing that worries me about marrying FH is that I don't think he's going to do his fair share around the house.
He and his brother both work with both their parents at their family's business, and they work looooooong hours of hard work. His mother must be an alien because after she puts in her 12+ hours she comes home to cook dinner and do allllll their laundry, cut the lawn, blow the snow, you name it; she does it. Her husband just comes home and lies on the couch waiting to be served and doesn't so much as take out the trash. Also, there isn't enough time in the day to do the housework because she's so busy with everything else that their house is really dirty, dusty and messy. It really grosses me out since I"m used to living in my mother's sterile environment! lol
I guess what I'm trying to say, is I'm a bit worried that I will end up resenting FH just like I'm sure his mother resents his father (how could you not?) because he won't be doing enough...

Anyone else have similar concerns???