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RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

MrsMtobe — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 21:33:01 GMT

[quote][b]Snowybride (4/21/2006)[/b][hr]Okay. So Lets start from the top (I'll try and be as brief as I can.)

FH Bought a house in 2002 with his mom (She couldn't afford a house on her own, and he figured "Why not") As an investment, this was a sound decision. However, as most often happens when family do business with each other, something goes wrong. In this case, due to your MIL's health, she could no longer afford to pay her half of the mortgage leaving your FH to foot the bill. Legally, he would be obligated, or risk losing the house, the money already invested as well as his credit going down the drain. Now, the same could happen for his mom, but he's picking up the bill for it ... but now, she's acting like she still completely owns the house, when she doesn't. You need to talk to your FH about how he feels about this situation, because in all your posts, I have not read anything about how he feels in all this and where he stands with how she is controlling the living arrangements.
FMIL got cancer, Recovered went back to work too soon. At the risk of sounding harsh without intending to, where the hell was her head? Why on earth would she go back to work before being fully recovered?

I met FH at the end of 2003
FMIL started feeling effects of going back too soon, and started having to miss work because she was sick and started living at house almost for free. Your FH needs to gather the receipts and go to his mother and tell her that given the current situation, they need to have the house signed over to him completely since he's still paying all the bills. His mother is abusing the fact that she is his mom and is expecting a free ride while still expecting to have ownership in the house. That's totally unacceptable, mom or not.

I moved into FH house in may 2005
FMIL began disliking me because apparently I was taking her son away from her. It was THEN that it became ABUNDANTLY clear that she had been using him as a surrogate husband, using him as a piggy bank, and over all demanding that he sacrifice his youth to entertain her expensive life style. Again, what does your FH say about this??? He is allowing it to happen. Therefore, he needs to put a stop to this.

FMIL Became so sick that she was put onto disability, got in worse mood. Well, that is her issue to deal with. Being moody and grouchy certainly wont score her any points or get her anywhere. She needs to seek professional help to help her deal with her medical conditions ... and instead of building a wall between you and her, she should have welcomed you ... you may have been able to help her through this...

Original plan was FMIL was to move into the next house (Once 5 years is up on mortgage Aug. 2007) into a basement appartment for free. Ok, it is his mom, but I still don't agree with freeloading. But at least she wouldnt be ruling the roost so to speak and would have her own little apartment to control and be out of your living space. Personally, I would still make her pay something .. even $200 rent which would help with the mortgage costs or utilities etc...
She began manipulating and blackmailing FH with the future sale of the house (This is why I decided to go to school for legal! She doesn't have a legal leg to stand on) and just over all forcing us into bad situations ie. FH and I are only allowed to be and live in our bedroom and basement, and she has run of the entire rest of the house and can enter our domains ANY TIME SHE PLEASES, and then she starts complaining to FSIL & FBIL that she now feels uncomfortable in her own house and that FH and I are evil and being disrespectful of her space (Yet when I'm cooking dinner I am forced to sit on the stairs because I am not allowed to sit in diningroom or living room) But I digress... ok I totally have issues with this ... and in your shoes, I'd have told FH that he better address this situation immediately. How on earth could he allow that??? I am quite sure that you contribute in some way to this household so why must you live in the basement??? It is imperative that you and your FH are on the same page with this issue and you need to address it immediately.

Just today she informed us that she is NOT moving with us to next house. I was so excited at first and then realized she had to have something else up her sleeve GOOD!! Let her find a place for herself where she will have to pay the rent and will get booted out if she doesnt. Landlords don't allow freeloading. So, what is up her sleeve??? Please share .. I'm quite interested to hear this...

FBIL had his wife (FH's Sister) email ME telling me that he wasn't comfortable being in FH's Groomsmen because of the situation with FH & FMIL's House (I realize I don't own this house but HELLO! I LIVE HERE TOO) This is what I dont understand.... what does the house situation have to do with being your FH's groomsmen??? If your mom is involving them in the house situation, then you and FH need to address her and tell her to stop it NOW and he also needs to address his sister and her husband and tell them that one has nothing to do with the other and if they wish to bail on the wedding .. then to provide you with a better excuse than that .. so to speak. This mother is possibly filling their heads with lies and thus turning them against the two of you. Again, totally out of line for this mom and she needs to be addressed immediately.

FSIL isn't very clear if she was being cautious or if she was hinting for me to pink slip her because she said "if you do not wish to have me as part of your wedding I will understand. Please let me know." Throw the ball back in her court and ask her why she wants to bail because you have no intention of kicking her out of the wedding party.

ANOTHER of my BM's (We'll call her Frat Girl) has approached my MOH with concerns that I was asking too much of her asking her to help with our J&J, She was then surprised to learn of this mystic thing called a "Bridal Shower", and How Greedy I must be to make her pay for her own dress and then ettiquette says that she should still buy a wedding gift. You need to enlighten frat girl that as a bridesmaid she is supposed to attend functions for the bride and groom. She doesnt necessarily have to provide a gift for each occasion, but her presence is necessary unless she has a major prior committment. Partying with friends does not fall into this category of a major prior committment.

'Frat girl' then made it clear that a frat party was more important than something to do with my wedding including our Jack and Jill Again, see above response ... I would also contact her myself and not go through your MOH as she shouldnt be put in the middle of you and frat girl ... put frat girl on the spot ... "when I asked you to be a bridesmaid, you accepted. I thought you understood what this role entailed. Obviously you dont. As a bridesmaid .. you should be attending the functions set for the bride and groom, stag n does, showers etc... if you feel that you cannot fulfill this role, then please tell me right now and you can back out and I can replace you with someone who will be happy to attend the wedding functions and be enthusiastic about supporting us on our day.

I would like to Pink slip 'frat girl', but my MOH is reluctant because she is a long term friend and is worried she may cause serious problems later on See above .. let the bridesmaid make the choice.. then it can be said that she backed out on you and you didnt pink slip her.

MOH also acknowledges that I can't really Pink slip FSIL because she has been very polite with me and I don't really want to either because I WANT her in my Bridal party, but I fear that if I don't Pink slip her and kick "frat girl", and then FSIL bails because she no longer feels comfortable because her husband isn't involved, I'm then short a bridesmaid... see above reply ... put the ball in her court ... let her decide what she wants to do. If she bails, and frat girl bails, find another bridesmaid or just go with whomever is left in the bridal party, even if the sides are uneven!

GAH!! Please Can someone PLEASE give me some oppinions on what i should do here... I'm So stressed right now that i'm on the verge of tears all throughout the day, my Fh is ready to kick his mom to the curb, and snap on his Sister and BIL because they've been taking FMIL's word for truth (She is constantly bad mouthing us) and haven't even taken a SINGLE MOMENT to ask us what OUR side of the story is...

Please... I need some sanity.:crying: :crying: :crying: :crying:[/quote]

Good luck!! You need to deal with these 3 women immediately. First and foremost, the mother in law, then the sister in law, and then frat girl.

RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

Snowybride — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 20:34:25 GMT

[quote][b]jbuckle (4/23/2006)[/b][hr]I don't know what to say that can help you but I can give you the best piece of advice I know... DO NOT POST/WRITE ANYTHING on email. Email always can misconstrued. The tone of emails can be misinterepreted (usually as more harsh). I think the best thing you could do right now is sit down face to face (or at least on the phone) to find out what is going on. Or to say how you are feeling.

I'm a teacher and parents of my students often say things on email that they WOULD NEVER (and never actually do say) say face to face. People forget there is a person at the other end of the computer.

Not only that - if you do have legal issues with the house or whatever - the last thing you need is a paper trail of things you may have said in the heat of the moment coming back to haunt you.

Good luck and try to relax. Maybe you and fh should try to get away from that house for a few days!![/quote]

Well This is the email that I wrote to her, can you tell me if this rude, because your right, emails can be misconstrued, but I worked very hard to make this email so it could not be.:

We are truly sorry that B. will no longer be a part of our wedding party, but we strongly hope that he will still accept the invitation to share in our wedding day when it comes. FH and I would also like to let you know that we would still be honoured to have you in our wedding party. However, due to the situation, we are curious to find out how you feel about being moved to the Groom’s side. I realize that you have already picked out your dress, and I wanted to let you know that if you do accept that I would love for you to have that dress still, but in black instead of navy. I feel that the dress will look just as beautiful, and I also feel that this will benefit you more as it is more likely for you to be able to re-wear a beautiful black dress than it would a navy. I would also like to make sure that you know that you would still be more than welcome and I would enjoy your company in all of the bridesmaids events and parties, knowing that you will not be alone as Jen is in the exact position (A woman on the groom’s side).

I also wanted to apologize for not bringing this up sooner, I had every intention of talking with you about it at the luncheon (If you recall I had mentioned wanting to talk to you about something) but when we got to the dress store I was so happy about the dresses everyone had chosen, and then frustrated by the fact that the dress we chose for BwM was no where NEAR the dress we thought it would be that I forgot all about it until now. FH and I had discussed this some time ago, but we had wanted to invite FSILs son to participate in the wedding as a ring bearer with my little cousin. I realize FSILs son would only JUST be a year old by that point, but I figured it might be sweet if we decorated a little wagon for my cousin to pull behind him with FSILs son in it. Even if he wanted to walk or if you weren’t comfortable with him in the wagon, my flower girl cousin will be almost 8 by that time and cousin almost 7 and they can walk up with FSILs son holding one of each of their hands. I think it would be sweet, but I would understand if you were reluctant to have him participate as it is an additional cost (his suit). But his participation in the wedding is not only in the ceremony, but the reception as well.

Like I said, we are truly sorry that B. is backing out, and we hope he will still share in our day, just as we hope that you will remain in our wedding party even though it is a slightly adjusted role.

If you could get back to me about all of this at your soonest convenience it would be greatly appreciated

So yeah, Tell me if that could be taken wrongly, because if it can I will tel them Ièm sorry.

RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

JennAnn — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 20:05:16 GMT

I am so sorry to hear that. We went through a similar situation with my mother and I simply had to say to her that enough was enough and I kicked her out. I know it seems mean and yes people will be mad for a bit but they will get over it.

RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

jbuckle — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 16:37:58 GMT

I don't know what to say that can help you but I can give you the best piece of advice I know... DO NOT POST/WRITE ANYTHING on email. Email always can misconstrued. The tone of emails can be misinterepreted (usually as more harsh). I think the best thing you could do right now is sit down face to face (or at least on the phone) to find out what is going on. Or to say how you are feeling.

I'm a teacher and parents of my students often say things on email that they WOULD NEVER (and never actually do say) say face to face. People forget there is a person at the other end of the computer.

Not only that - if you do have legal issues with the house or whatever - the last thing you need is a paper trail of things you may have said in the heat of the moment coming back to haunt you.

Good luck and try to relax. Maybe you and fh should try to get away from that house for a few days!!

RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

Snowybride — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 14:57:40 GMT

OMG!!! This fiasco just NEVER ENDS!

So FH and I sat down that night (I literally wrote my first post here IMMEDIATELY after this began so I hadn't had time to really think it all through) and we discussed our options and his Sister sounded like she still wanted in the party so we decided "Well we already have on girl on the groom's side, what harm will it be to have FSIL on the grooms side as well."

So I spent almost 4 hours composing an email (That's how we're communicating) that was more than polite informing her that we wanted to move her to the men's side. This also allowed us to invite the girl we really want in our party in and keep our numbers alike.

So We had to go to our first planning session with the Groomsman last night for our Jack and Jill, and I was AMAZED, the guys were more into planning than my girls were. But that's beside the point.

FSIL had written us an email in that time and informed us that she was backing out as well now because she thought her and her brother were closer than this. (WHAT THE HELL?) and that that would be the weekend of her return to work (She on Mat leave right now) so it would be hard for her to get the day off... (Uhm, our wedding is on a Saturday, and she does not work saturdays...)

I honestly don't know what to think!!!! SERIOUSLY!!! There is some sort of BS going on in the background that neither FH or I have been made aware of, but it seems that FSIL, FBIL and FMIL fully expect us to know what is happening. I don't know what to do! I'm debating if I should post the emails (both sides, names replaced) so that I can get an outside view of this.... Because right now I think I am so livid that I'm not thinking straight or reading this correctly.

If someone is so inclined to help me out in this let me know and I'll post the emails.... I REALLY need some help right now.....

RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

Liss14 — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 13:02:35 GMT

Frat girl, I would give a bit of time to. Just let her sort herself out. Have your MOH talk to her a little, just to clear the air if nothing else.

Your FILs, now they are the problem of your FH. Tell him to resolve the issues with his brother and sister QUICKLY as they can ruin all sorts of relationships and futures. They need to sit down and realise that there are two sides to every story. Vent your frustrations with them.

Other than that, I'd say buy a bottle of wine or go out for beers with friends. Take a weekend off and go camping.

And good luck!

RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

pookie1001 — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 21:54:47 GMT

How do you really feel about these people(when your not mad or frustrated?) Do you really enjoy you "pink" girls company? If you do and she has always been a friend then the decision should be easy. Maybe she doesn't understand the etiquitte of weddings (or for that matter can't afford it)people have many reason for acting certain ways( maybe she has lots on her plate right now as well-not the point but still) As for your future mother-in-law....I don't really like to give advice but get the *uck out of there(LOL) really enough is enough and your adults being treated worse than a dog.(thing is your allowing it why?? I do wish you all the best, and fell free to vent we all need to do it sometimes, hope I helped a bit;)

RE: Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

julia56 — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 21:15:06 GMT

Sorry I don't have any smart words for your here but I really hope it all works out for you. Just try to stay calm and positive

Oh gawd... Wedding party Fiasco.. House Fiasco.. Sanity. going. down. the. drain...

Snowybride — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 20:06:47 GMT

Okay. So Lets start from the top (I'll try and be as brief as I can.)

FH Bought a house in 2002 with his mom (She couldn't afford a house on her own, and he figured "Why not")
FMIL got cancer, Recovered went back to work too soon.
I met FH at the end of 2003
FMIL started feeling effects of going back too soon, and started having to miss work because she was sick and started living at house almost for free
I moved into FH house in may 2005
FMIL began disliking me because apparently I was taking her son away from her. It was THEN that it became ABUNDANTLY clear that she had been using him as a surrogate husband, using him as a piggy bank, and over all demanding that he sacrifice his youth to entertain her expensive life style.
FMIL Became so sick that she was put onto disability, got in worse mood.
Original plan was FMIL was to move into the next house (Once 5 years is up on mortgage Aug. 2007) into a basement appartment for free.
She began manipulating and blackmailing FH with the future sale of the house (This is why I decided to go to school for legal! She doesn't have a legal leg to stand on) and just over all forcing us into bad situations ie. FH and I are only allowed to be and live in our bedroom and basement, and she has run of the entire rest of the house and can enter our domains ANY TIME SHE PLEASES, and then she starts complaining to FSIL & FBIL that she now feels uncomfortable in her own house and that FH and I are evil and being disrespectful of her space (Yet when I'm cooking dinner I am forced to sit on the stairs because I am not allowed to sit in diningroom or living room) But I digress...
Just today she informed us that she is NOT moving with us to next house. I was so excited at first and then realized she had to have something else up her sleeve
FBIL had his wife (FH's Sister) email ME telling me that he wasn't comfortable being in FH's Groomsmen because of the situation with FH & FMIL's House (I realize I don't own this house but HELLO! I LIVE HERE TOO)
FSIL isn't very clear if she was being cautious or if she was hinting for me to pink slip her because she said "if you do not wish to have me as part of your wedding I will understand. Please let me know."
ANOTHER of my BM's (We'll call her Frat Girl) has approached my MOH with concerns that I was asking too much of her asking her to help with our J&J, She was then surprised to learn of this mystic thing called a "Bridal Shower", and How Greedy I must be to make her pay for her own dress and then ettiquette says that she should still buy a wedding gift.
'Frat girl' then made it clear that a frat party was more important than something to do with my wedding including our Jack and Jill
I would like to Pink slip 'frat girl', but my MOH is reluctant because she is a long term friend and is worried she may cause serious problems later on
MOH also acknowledges that I can't really Pink slip FSIL because she has been very polite with me and I don't really want to either because I WANT her in my Bridal party, but I fear that if I don't Pink slip her and kick "frat girl", and then FSIL bails because she no longer feels comfortable because her husband isn't involved, I'm then short a bridesmaid...

Please... I need some sanity.:crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: