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RE: Future family

jbuckle — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 16:44:33 GMT

I don't know how you could possibly "pull rank" as this is your future family. To me it sounds ridiculously immature that you would even consider telling him that he can't go there. Having a child get married is a big transition and they are probably trying to work through the changes.

I would just mention to your future husband that he needs to make your home a priority and he should tell his family that he can't come over everytime things need to be done.

RE: Future family

julia56 — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 18:55:51 GMT

I can imagine that it can be very frustrating but you have to remember that they are still his parents and you all need to find a happy medium in the situation.

I am at my parents several times a week, luckily we only live 7 min away from them. My FIL are 45min away and even I would go there regularly if they needed something.

I may have a bit of a different attitude towards the whole situation but our parents have done a lot for us and I am not going to say NO if they need me to help out.

If it really bothers you, talk to your future hubby and let him know how you feel again. Just be careful with what you ask from him. Personally, I would probably stick to my parents rather than the partner if it really got tough, since they don't really have a choice than always being there for me considering we're a family.

Good luck figuring out your situation!

RE: Future family

heather972 — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 16:54:04 GMT

I want to say it sounds like his parents are old doesn't it? Well they are both under 50, although his mother is turning 50 this year (she's the same age as his dad's car :) ). His dad works out of town, which is why he is always called over to his parents house, because his dad isn't there to do the man things, and his mother is "afraid" of everything, then will go on to say how she could do this or that when she was single, but now she's afraid to stand on a step ladder to wash her windows (not of falling, but of the height). Anyhow Chris is being really good, he'll ask me if we have things that have to be done around the house, and I explained to him about the fact that since I don't have a vehicle, and I am at home all day during the week, that the weekend is the only time I have to go out during the week. He's being really good, so I guess I just wanted to say thanks for everyone telling me to talk to him, it worked!

RE: Future family

Rissy26 — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 16:35:09 GMT

I was in your exact situation! Although mine has improved . (we had a talk). My FH, before our little talk, would be expected to drive to a city 2.5 hrs away and pick up his sisters and drive them back home, to take his sister grocery shopping, to take her home to her parents house (3 hrs away), pick up his sister and take her to the doctor, mow his parent's lawn, let his family use our credit card for purchases they can't afford, arrange for a professional to fix anything they need fixing - computers, etc..., help his sister clean her house top to bottom every time she went back home to her parent's after the university term, help everybody in the family move when its needed, and the list goes on........

The problem was, his family was taking up our time together as a couple, and draining our finances somewhat. However, we did have a discussion. I realize he loves his family, but he was doing so much running around for them, that he didn't have a spare moment. They were using our credit card, and although we could afford to pay it off every month - it was still money that we could have used! Now it is MUCH better. We go home to his parents to visit every 2 months or so - and if they need something done, it gets done during that weekend we are there. They have basically had to learn that he has a life, and that I now come first in his life. I don't think they like it, but oh well!:P

RE: Future family

Chrissy616 — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 14:23:01 GMT

I can definately see why this is frustrating to you! I'm not sure you have a right to tell him he can't go to his parents house anymore but setting some reasonable boundaries might be a better option. You definately became his first priority when you got engaged. I'm curious, how did he react when you told him he goes to his parents way too much? Does he agree and just feel bad to say no or does he think you're being unreasonable? In-laws can cause such a huge problem sometimes!

RE: Future family

MrsMtobe — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 14:06:22 GMT

It's good that you had a talk with your FH and expressed how you feel about this situation.

My suggestion is that when his parents call on him to do these things, HE needs to explain to them that he is in the middle of renovating something at his house and cannot just drop what he is doing to go over and perhaps they need to call on his sister and her husband for help. He needs to make them aware that he has obligations at his own home that need to be met on his time off from work and he cant always be running over there to help. Now, I don't agree that he should never go help his parents, because they are still his parents who will require help from time to time, but his parents also need to realize that they can and should call on their other children for help and not just this particular son.

Again, let this come from your FH and not you or you will risk looking like the evil FW who refuses to let her husband go to his parent's home to help... and you don't want that because it will cause issues with his family. If it comes from your FH, his parents (although they may get upset) will only be upset with him and not think that you are the reason behind this (even though you have expressed your feelings about him going over there constantly).

RE: Future family

icywedding — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 13:14:54 GMT

This reminds me of a guy I used to date a few years back. He had this mother who was soooooo dependant on him. She had no driver's license, and no husband...... so she relied on her son (my BF at the time) to do EVERYTHING for her. When she wanted to go visit her sister 45 minutes away... he had to jump up and go take her, leaving me alone for the weekend. If she had an appointment to go to and didn't want to take the bus, he would have to take time off work to go and drive her around. Anytime she needed a "man's" help with anything, she would call him and he would go running to the rescue. I couldn't stand it, and I knew that if things got serious between us and we ended up engaged/married, I would have a nervous breakdown! One thing I had to realize was that it would NEVER change.... it was his MOTHER who raised him from birth, and there's no way that he could say no to her. I figured if we got married/engaged at some point, the situation would not change, and we ended up breaking up.

My current FH is very close with his parents as well, but they are certainly not dependant on him for everything. By the sounds of it, your FH's parents seem to be very elderly, so perhaps your FH feels it is his duty to help them as much as he can --------- afterall, they raised him from birth!! If things need to get done around your house, then of course it should be his first priority. But if his parents ALSO need help, he should be able to do both without feeling guilty about it. I expect that once FH and I get married and move out on our own, we will probably be over visiting his parents at least once or twice a week, which I think is fine (they as well will be about 25 minutes away). I don't expect my FH to abandon his parents after we get married ----- but I also don't want him to be putting their needs way ahead of our own needs.

RE: Future family

JennAnn — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 12:29:25 GMT

I think that you could probably talk to them and explain that you guys cannot afford the gas to jump and run to their side everytime they call for you. It is not easy, but my family is the same way and I had to tell them that it had to stop. Now sure they were angry for a bit, but now they have come around and they are fine with me.

RE: Future family

satin — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 10:13:05 GMT

i just posted about the same thing a while ago!!

my FH has a bad habit of going to his dads all the time to help do things like fix cars,re-do their house, etc, when we have things that need to be done around here as well-we bought this house and had planned on fixing it up more than it is but he never sticks around long enough to do it. i told him if he does not start helping he can go-i have had enough!!

Future family

heather972 — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 09:24:42 GMT

My FH grew up on acerage, we bought a house over 30 min. away, in the city. Anyhow his parents are now calling him and asking him to come to their house and plow the driveway, because the tractor is too small for his 16 year old sister, even though FH started using it at 6. They also call to get him to check out things on their cars. Yes I understand that he has done it in the past, but now he has things to do at our house, things that our house need to have done, and he feels juilty if he doesn't help his parents. I'm just worried if this wont stop, or if they will always expect us to drive out there to help them, especially when we have a truck, and gas is over a buck a liter. They have a S(on)IL that is a mechanic too, and they help that family a lot more, why wouldn't they ask for help to make themselves more balanced?
Anyhow my question is does your FH bend over backwards for his parents, willing to do stuff for them, even if it means he neglects things at your own house, or just puts them off? Maybe I'm being overly picky, I'm not sure, but just to tell you what ended up happening, after he had to drive over the twice one week, and then once every following three weekends. I told him that I am going to pull rank, that I am his FW and that he bought me the house, that if I see the house or our relationship suffering, that I am going to tell him that he can't go to his parents house, and that rather we will work on the house together and see if he can go to his parents the next day. Since then I haven't had to pull rank, so I think he just needed the talk to see that I was feeling a little bit upset.