InstantForum.NET v4.1.4CanadianBride.com Talkboardshttp://forums.canadianbride.com/bounce@canadianbride.comFri, 18 Jul 2008 13:27:42 GMT20http://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspx[quote][b]Telika (4/7/2006)[/b][hr]Just one more quick mention on the topic... you may want to consider that she may not have been aware that whoever threw the shower was planning on inviting people not on the guest list and she may not have had the extra budget to add guests after she realized there were those not on the list coming to the shower. I know I would feel sick about finding out that i was going to be blamed or have a grudge held against me if I were in the same situation. It may have been out of this bride's control. Just something to think about.[/quote]it was a surprise shower.. so this might just be the case...Mon, 10 Apr 2006 10:55:41 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI have to say......i did none of the inviting of people to my shower at all but I personaly invited or at least sealed and mailed the invites out myself. what I am trying to say is, there were some people that were came to my shower that i did not invited...I had no controll over this. Sun, 09 Apr 2006 10:39:12 GMTdeloresdoehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspx[quote][b]autumnblis (4/7/2006)[/b][hr]I think if you want to have a gathering with ppl that can't come to the wedding - it should be more like a party, with no gifts.[/quote]<br><br>I couldn't agree more!! :DSat, 08 Apr 2006 00:21:21 GMTEmberhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI as well won't be getting married in my hometown, and my aunt wants to plan a shower specifically there. I know she is inviting people that are not invited to the wedding. I feel horrible about this. I just found out about the shower, and I have to talk to my aunt ASAP. I think if you want to have a gathering with ppl that can't come to the wedding - it should be more like a party, with no gifts.Fri, 07 Apr 2006 23:38:04 GMTautumnblishttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxJust one more quick mention on the topic... you may want to consider that she may not have been aware that whoever threw the shower was planning on inviting people not on the guest list and she may not have had the extra budget to add guests after she realized there were those not on the list coming to the shower. I know I would feel sick about finding out that i was going to be blamed or have a grudge held against me if I were in the same situation. It may have been out of this bride's control. Just something to think about.Fri, 07 Apr 2006 13:30:49 GMTTelikahttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxtrue.... *reaching for a chocolate martini*Fri, 07 Apr 2006 09:54:56 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxJules .. look at it this way.. the money you save not going to this wedding .. can be used for your own wedding! :DFri, 07 Apr 2006 02:21:58 GMTMrsMtobehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxthank you for your information.. i've decided that it doesn't matter anymore.. lol.. I was worried earlier today.. but i have more stressful things to worry about.. thank you for all your input! I really appreciate it!Fri, 07 Apr 2006 00:01:13 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxOkay, despite the long and detailed explanation of why I thought it to be overkill to call not being invited to both a "slap in the face", i did some official checking on the rules of ettiquette and see that it is in fact bad etiquette to invite to the shower and not to the wedding. So my understanding of this etiquette was wrong, and while i hadn't invited anyone to our shower that aren't invited to the wedding, i feel a little better to know for sure what was right and wrong.Thu, 06 Apr 2006 19:22:31 GMTTelikahttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspx[quote][b]limabean (4/6/2006)[/b][hr]This may seem wierd, but until I joined this board I had no idea that according to etiquette only people invited to the wedding were invited to the shower. In my experience, a shower has always been a party to get together with people who wouldn't be invited to or couldn't make it to the wedding, but who still are happy for the couple and want to celebrate with them. Although why this translated to just women celebrating with just the bride I still don't quite understand :)[/quote]<br><br>The shower was traditionally for already married women to help a new, unexperienced bride set up her new home. It has now evolved into a more elaborate event and can take many forms. But gifts are still the point of the event - to "shower the bride with gifts." If you are inviting guests who are not invited to the wedding it can come across that they are good enough to "shower you with gifts" but not good enough to share in your wedding celebrations. <br><br>Some people will be fine with only being invited to a shower, other people will feel it is nothing but an attempt to get presents. It is, however, considered very poor etiquette to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. As you can see, many people feel it is very rude.<br><br>If you want to host an event that does not require gifts you could host a bridal tea, a lunch, or a girls night in (watch wedding movied and eat popcorn!). Then the event is about celebrating and not about gifts so it is perfectly appropriate to invite anyone you like.Thu, 06 Apr 2006 18:52:32 GMTEmberhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxA shower is no more a money or gift grab than a wedding is. If people choose to bring a shower gift then they usually choose something of an appropriate price range to how extensive the shower is. For example, if at a shower they are serving a meal and going all out with nicely done invites etc., people tend to gage the cost of the gift based on that. Similarly, if someone is invited to a wedding and they're only being served cake and punch they aren't going to be inclined to spend as much on a gift as if they were going to a five course meal reception. I am by far the last person to grab for gifts or money or anything of that sort and I'm not a materialistic person at all, so please don't get the wrong impression by these past posts that my understanding of it makes it okay to do and that you should get all the gifts you can, because that's not the case. I just think that there are instances in which people that will not be attending or able to be invited to the wedding want to be able to come and celebrate your new life together and a shower makes that possible. A shower is really just more like a wedding in a smaller scale, there's people you like there to support you and celebrate with you, and there's food and cake and games and as a result usually gifts too. If you really think about it it's not the "slap in the face" that some people are labelling it. If i were to have a good friend not invite me to their wedding I would be hurt, if they weren't to invite me to their wedding or shower, I'd be even more hurt. But if someone that i'm not terribly close to were to invite me to a shower and not a wedding I would be pleasantly surprised that I was thought of at all. People who come to showers aren't just there to hand you a gift, and same with the wedding, they are there because they love you both and want to show their happiness for you. If we're really going to look at it as all or nothing then some people who really would've been happy to be invited to the shower alone would be mising out on having any opportunity to show their excitement for your pending marriage.Thu, 06 Apr 2006 18:11:42 GMTTelikahttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI think it's rude to invite to a shower and not to the wedding! That is something I will make sure that I have control over when it comes to the bridal shower. I've been that person invited to a shower and not the wedding. I think if you can't afford to have them at your wedding...then do them a favour and don't invite them to the shower! Makes it look like the bride is out for a gift or $$. Just my opinion thoughThu, 06 Apr 2006 16:27:53 GMTbarbhhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxhmm.. interesting.. :ermm:Thu, 06 Apr 2006 15:23:21 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI have to agree with Limabean, I think I do a pretty good job of keeping anything from being classless or tacky and yet this is one rule that I thought had an exception. My understanding is that people invited to the shower don't necessarily expect to be invited to the wedding and that that was a commonly practiced rule. I can see why it seems rude, and I would have tremendous guilt even if it were to be written in stone that there is no obligation for a wedding invite, but my understanding is that this was one place where it was okay to have non wedding guests as invitees. Anyone have any similar understandings?Thu, 06 Apr 2006 13:39:12 GMTTelikahttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxThis may seem wierd, but until I joined this board I had no idea that according to etiquette only people invited to the wedding were invited to the shower. In my experience, a shower has always been a party to get together with people who wouldn't be invited to or couldn't make it to the wedding, but who still are happy for the couple and want to celebrate with them. Although why this translated to just women celebrating with just the bride I still don't quite understand :)Thu, 06 Apr 2006 11:21:58 GMTlimabeanhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI'm just really surprised at it.. if she ahd invited my parent's to her wedding, it would've been fine.. but I dont' think any of us are.Thu, 06 Apr 2006 09:46:52 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI think it's sad that gifts are THAT important to some people. I'm always amazed at how much some people focus on presents when it comes to their wedding. I'd much rather focus on my FH!Wed, 05 Apr 2006 19:54:38 GMTEmberhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxYes-I think this is very strange! It's obvious they may just be looking out for gifts. There is no way I would invite someone to my shower who isn't invited to my wedding ceremony &amp; reception!</P><P>It's like a slap in the face-"You are good enough for my shower...because I'll get a gift...but you AREN'T good enough for my wedding"</P><P>If the wedding is only 1 month away, you should have gotten the invitation by now. Unless it got lost in the mail?!Wed, 05 Apr 2006 19:42:41 GMTEastWesthttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxThis happened to me a while ago. My cousin was getting married and his fiance invited me to the shower but I wasn't invited to their wedding....I was pissed! I still remember it and that was probably 12 years ago.....hopefully they know enough about etiquette that you will be invited to the wedding....my cousin apparently didn't!<br><br>Do I sound bitter??? LOL:crazy:Wed, 05 Apr 2006 19:19:54 GMTptbobridehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxMy shower is in mid-June, but my wedding invites will not be sent to local guests until end of June. Everyone invited to the shower WILL be invited to the wedding. Is it rude or tacky to have the shower *before* the wedding invites go out?Wed, 05 Apr 2006 19:10:42 GMTbrigette01http://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxThat does seem very odd, maybe your included on your moms invite? Or maybe it was a surprise shower? If not that really rude and I personally would not feel obligated to attend the shower.Wed, 05 Apr 2006 17:00:56 GMTcmhellcathttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspx[quote][b]tobride (4/5/2006)[/b][hr]Okay, first, I am really glad I read this post. Second, now I have a question for you ladies.<P>I'm having a shower in June in my hometown. I really wanted this, not because I want the gifts, but because I'm not getting married in my hometown but there's many people there that I wanted to include in the celebration and this was the only way I knew how to. To have a social or a "bridal tea" would confuse everyone. It would eb VERY out of the norm. So a shower it was...But, I had never planned on sending many of hte people who will liekyl attend my shower, wedding invitations. But only because around here we just throw the shower announcement in the paper and whoever comes, comes. Only immediate family, bridesmaids, and very, very close people get a phone call. </P><P>Plus, when it comes to the actual wedding, the ceremony/dance get announced the same way. You formally invite those that are very close and near and dear and coming to the dinner. Everyone else just knows to come when they see the add in the paper. But since I'm not getting married in my home town, there won't be the ad in the paper for the ceremony/dance. So, does that mean, anyone who comes to my shower in June, I should add to my wedding guest list??? I don't mind doing this, as I don't expect many would come since the wedding is taking palce 6.5 hours away from my hometown, its thanksgiving long weekend, and the number we know will be attending from our guest list is getting smaller by the day anyway. So do you think that's what I should do???</P><P>I should add that my wedding invites aren't going out until late july.[/quote]<P>i think a situation like that is a bit different. if the shower is going to be a bit more infomal and people can chose to drop in as they like, it's not like you extended a personal invite so i'm not sure that they'd be "expecting" an invite to the wedding. perhaps the announcement of your shower in the paper could mention something about the wedding taking place so far away so you'd love the opportunity to celebrate with your hometown friends/family at your shower... i dunno. you could word it better but that would let everyone know ahead of time that the wedding will be out of town. <P>as for getting a formal shower invite and not a wedding invite... that hasn't happened to me yet but i would consider it a bit insulting. as Beebear said, if it's a surprise shower that might be a bit of an "excuse" but i would still hope that whoever would arrange the shower would at least make an effort to get ahold of a copy of the bride's guest list so that things like that might be avoided.Wed, 05 Apr 2006 16:55:39 GMTtrickyhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxOhhhh the dreaded t-word! lolWed, 05 Apr 2006 16:17:15 GMTfaschahttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxooo. the 't' word...</P><P>i don't know whether or not to invite her to the wedding.. i can't not invite her and invite the rest of her family.. but her parent's are close with mine..Wed, 05 Apr 2006 16:14:48 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI did have this situation and found it tacky... *sigh*</P><P>I did however send a gift to the shower... it was a concrete "X" &amp; "O" that were candle holders and some candles...</P><P>Turns out the Bride phoned the day after and thanked me profusely... said it was the best gift she recieved. I spent $12 dollars...<BR><BR>I thought about inviting her to mine... but what's the sense. I didn't like it so doubt she would either.<BR>Wed, 05 Apr 2006 15:27:34 GMTScotBridehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxhrm.. let me think about this one..Wed, 05 Apr 2006 14:41:35 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxOkay, first, I am really glad I read this post. Second, now I have a question for you ladies.</P><P>I'm having a shower in June in my hometown. I really wanted this, not because I want the gifts, but because I'm not getting married in my hometown but there's many people there that I wanted to include in the celebration and this was the only way I knew how to. To have a social or a "bridal tea" would confuse everyone. It would eb VERY out of the norm. So a shower it was...But, I had never planned on sending many of hte people who will liekyl attend my shower, wedding invitations. But only because around here we just throw the shower announcement in the paper and whoever comes, comes. Only immediate family, bridesmaids, and very, very close people get a phone call. </P><P>Plus, when it comes to the actual wedding, the ceremony/dance get announced the same way. You formally invite those that are very close and near and dear and coming to the dinner. Everyone else just knows to come when they see the add in the paper. But since I'm not getting married in my home town, there won't be the ad in the paper for the ceremony/dance. So, does that mean, anyone who comes to my shower in June, I should add to my wedding guest list??? I don't mind doing this, as I don't expect many would come since the wedding is taking palce 6.5 hours away from my hometown, its thanksgiving long weekend, and the number we know will be attending from our guest list is getting smaller by the day anyway. So do you think that's what I should do???</P><P>I should add that my wedding invites aren't going out until late july.Wed, 05 Apr 2006 13:59:45 GMTtobridehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxtempting... but.. lol.. i couldn't do that... i would be a trouble maker at that point... </P><P>but anyhoo.. glad to see you made it!Wed, 05 Apr 2006 12:49:01 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspx[quote][b]dansfiance (4/5/2006)[/b][hr][quote][b]chrisdann (4/5/2006)[/b][hr]I've never been invited to a shower and not the wedding. I agree it is rude. I wouldn't be going to that shower if I was you.[/quote]the shower has come and gone.. that's the thing... <P>IGGY!! you made it.. I was wondering when I was going to see one of your posts![/quote]<P> <P>LMAO ... I was having issues logging in ... like many of us ... and just said "Eff it!" For a little bit ... <P>As for the shower coming and going ... I'd just let it go ... what can you do now right? You can't really ask for the gift back ... ;) Or ... :cool:Wed, 05 Apr 2006 12:41:18 GMTigottajlohttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspx[quote][b]chrisdann (4/5/2006)[/b][hr]I've never been invited to a shower and not the wedding. I agree it is rude. I wouldn't be going to that shower if I was you.[/quote]the shower has come and gone.. that's the thing... </P><P>IGGY!! you made it.. I was wondering when I was going to see one of your posts!Wed, 05 Apr 2006 12:18:26 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspx[quote][b]igottajlo (4/5/2006)[/b][hr]How rude ... sorry but it just seems like a gift grab to only invite to a shower ... :pinch:[/quote]<br><br>I agree! I'm having a small wedding and no shower. I wouldn't feel right asking people to buy us gifts and not inviting them to the wedding! Seems absolutely rude to me.<br><br>AshWed, 05 Apr 2006 12:10:42 GMTash216http://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxMy shower was a surprise one month before our wedding, I had already mailed all our invitations so I had some ladies at my shower that were not invited to the wedding itself......there was nothing I could do, it was a surprise for me. Just a thought. Wed, 05 Apr 2006 12:08:40 GMTBeeBearhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI've never been invited to a shower and not the wedding. I agree it is rude. I wouldn't be going to that shower if I was you.Wed, 05 Apr 2006 12:08:33 GMTchrisdannhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxHow rude ... sorry but it just seems like a gift grab to only invite to a shower ... :pinch:Wed, 05 Apr 2006 12:03:04 GMTigottajlohttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI'm calling my sister to see if she got one.. I dont' think we're invited!:angry:Wed, 05 Apr 2006 11:55:50 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxIt seems really odd that she would not send an invitation after having you at her shower. I am having a DW and I will not be having a shower (perhaps just a get together without gifts). I can't imagine asking people to come celebrate my upcoming wedding at a shower and then not inviting them to the actual wedding. I would casually call up the person and ask about the invitation, as previously said perhaps it was lost in the mail.Wed, 05 Apr 2006 11:55:34 GMTcuba0807http://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxPerhaps the invitation got lost? Maybe you could phone her and ask about it??Wed, 05 Apr 2006 11:49:02 GMTMrsMtobehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxI agree it is a bit odd/rude. I for one would never invite a person to a shower if they were not invited to the wedding.Wed, 05 Apr 2006 11:45:00 GMTAammmhttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxWell, she is a friend of the family.. so it is weird that nothing has come yet.. and she only sent a thank you card to my mum when the three of us were in on the gift.. </P><P>I agree with you in terms of inviting to the shower then invite to the wedding.. but it's not something I think i can hold against her.. :ermm:Wed, 05 Apr 2006 11:41:00 GMTdansfiancehttp://forums.canadianbride.com/Topic32-6-1.aspxThat happened to me a year ago. I went to the shower happily and was excited for the wedding...and kept waiting for the wedding invite to come...and it never did.</P><P>It was a bit bizarre.</P><P>I'm not someone who strongly enforces all the old ettiquette rules, but this is one that I believe holds current day value. If you feel close enough to me to invite me to your shower, and for me to spend my money to buy you a lovely gift, well, I would think I would then be worthy of coming to the wedding! It's different is someone is getting married far away, or it's a tiny wedding and they've gone out of their way to explain the situation and you go to the shower knowledgable that you wont' be going to the wedding...</P><P>For a while I thought maybe my invite just got lost in the mail, but when they never called me (as they would have if I didn't rsvp in time) I realized I just was never getting one!</P><P>I still love the girl, she's great. I'm not basing our friendship on it, but it did hurt a bit.</P><P>Hope it works out for you!Wed, 05 Apr 2006 11:35:59 GMTjamier