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RE: My Vent

lovemrk — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 07:37:54 GMT

[quote][b]Missspunk (9/9/2008)[/b][hr]OK all so in case you didn't read it in the other posts my cousin did not reply to my invite. So I wrote a letter and sent it to her. I think a copy of that letter above. Anyways I found out tonight that my aunt the *** called my godmother because she found out that I had a shower and she was upset that she wasn't invited. She wants to get me something. She also stated that my great aunt was upset that she didn't get an invite. She was questioning my godmother about who was all there. It really is none of her %^$#business. Oh well I have no sympathy. Also apparently she stated that my cousin and her husband are not going to our wedding cause her mother wasn't invited. I said that was fine but she could have at least responded with a no and I deserved that much respect at least. Whatever happened to it is my party and I can invite who I want and no one has the right to be upset. This was the premise that my cousin's husband told me when he threw me out of the house. that's what they told me about my aunt and the party at her house, that she could invite who she wanted and if that didn't include me then oh well I had no right to be upset, and now they don't want to live by their own rules. argh they piss me off. Can they not just LEAVE ME ALONE. I am keeping to myself. My aunt is now saying she wants to send me a gift. If I get a gift sent to me I will be sending it back to her. I want nothing I don't want to owe them anything and I don't want people trying to use guilt trips on me cause it isn't working. I will not be guilted into forgiveness or loyalty. My loyalty and empathy for those people are lost. And as far as I am concerned I am NOT sending out a search party for it. I am finished with them, I am beyond hurt and beyond angry I simply DO NOT CARE at all and it is not nice to say but if they dropped off the face of this planet tomorrow I really would not be sorry or miss them.[/quote]

Missspunk....first of all, thank you for the update. Truly, I don't care what anyone else thinks but I truly believe you made the right decision. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You have enough respect for yourself to not be treated like garbage. Proud of you and your actions and since you already heard that your aunt wants to send you a gift...perhaps you can let someone you know tell her "not to bother". By the way, I may get backlash because we have to learn to forgive and forget......hell no!!!! We all have a limit!!!! Good luck sweetie!

RE: My Vent

Missspunk — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:44:43 GMT

OK all so in case you didn't read it in the other posts my cousin did not reply to my invite. So I wrote a letter and sent it to her. I think a copy of that letter above. Anyways I found out tonight that my aunt the *** called my godmother because she found out that I had a shower and she was upset that she wasn't invited. She wants to get me something. She also stated that my great aunt was upset that she didn't get an invite. She was questioning my godmother about who was all there. It really is none of her %^$#business. Oh well I have no sympathy. Also apparently she stated that my cousin and her husband are not going to our wedding cause her mother wasn't invited. I said that was fine but she could have at least responded with a no and I deserved that much respect at least. Whatever happened to it is my party and I can invite who I want and no one has the right to be upset. This was the premise that my cousin's husband told me when he threw me out of the house. that's what they told me about my aunt and the party at her house, that she could invite who she wanted and if that didn't include me then oh well I had no right to be upset, and now they don't want to live by their own rules. argh they piss me off. Can they not just LEAVE ME ALONE. I am keeping to myself. My aunt is now saying she wants to send me a gift. If I get a gift sent to me I will be sending it back to her. I want nothing I don't want to owe them anything and I don't want people trying to use guilt trips on me cause it isn't working. I will not be guilted into forgiveness or loyalty. My loyalty and empathy for those people are lost. And as far as I am concerned I am NOT sending out a search party for it. I am finished with them, I am beyond hurt and beyond angry I simply DO NOT CARE at all and it is not nice to say but if they dropped off the face of this planet tomorrow I really would not be sorry or miss them.

RE: My Vent

Missspunk — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 23:53:20 GMT

Ok so the day has come and gone they were to reply by the 30th which means as there is no postal service on the weekends means they did not reply on time. They are now going to receive the letter that has been changed slightly via a PP so I wanted to say thanks. I'll let you know what happens. I not really expecting much from it.

RE: My Vent

bbeauchamp — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:45:47 GMT

I totally agree that you may need to cut her out of your life- I think everyone has had to do that with certain people at some point in their life... My thinking is just that you may not want to... "burn your bridges"? Being optimistic to me does not mean that you don't have to make difficult decisions but just that maybe you/we leave the door open for the future...

I have a few friends that I've made a concious decision to no longer talk to so I sort of understand what you mean (though I acknowledge probably not fully)

RE: My Vent

akare — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 11:33:25 GMT

[quote][b]Missspunk (8/9/2008)[/b][hr]akare...Thanks. I wasn't sure where you were coming from. At this point I am unsure if it could get any worse. I guess that is why I might be torn.As much as I say I want them out of my life am I willing to live with the fallout of the letter. But then for me I hate not having control of my life and what happens with it and for 9 months I feel like my cousin has taken all control. I feel like she is sitting at home thinking she is punishing me and thinking she has all control. I hate feeling like I have given her the control. I keep putting the ball in her court. First by making the phone calls only to have them not returned or answered. So then I sent her an invite against my better judgment but Fh said we should and it would be as if we were letting them know that we were moving on with no hard feelings hopefully prompting them to reach out to us and so far that has not happened. The invite went out in May so there has been plenty of time. So now I feel like an idiot for reaching out so often and being slapped in the face that now I want control and tell them to F%^# right off.[/quote]

Don't feel like an idiot, geeez, what were you supposed to do? Be a b*** like her?
I truly think your cousin deserves that letter it is just that I know that people like that will take any reasonable or unreasonable excuse to blow up and make you the bad guy.
And I know that being too good can sometimes hurt and I agree you should cut her out of your life, she is no good, just really, people like that can be toxic.
Control? she might think she controls you, but the truth is that she cannot even control her pride enough to do the right thing, so whatever...
Best of luck.

RE: My Vent

Missspunk — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 11:14:43 GMT

akare...Thanks. I wasn't sure where you were coming from. At this point I am unsure if it could get any worse. I guess that is why I might be torn.As much as I say I want them out of my life am I willing to live with the fallout of the letter. But then for me I hate not having control of my life and what happens with it and for 9 months I feel like my cousin has taken all control. I feel like she is sitting at home thinking she is punishing me and thinking she has all control. I hate feeling like I have given her the control. I keep putting the ball in her court. First by making the phone calls only to have them not returned or answered. So then I sent her an invite against my better judgment but Fh said we should and it would be as if we were letting them know that we were moving on with no hard feelings hopefully prompting them to reach out to us and so far that has not happened. The invite went out in May so there has been plenty of time. So now I feel like an idiot for reaching out so often and being slapped in the face that now I want control and tell them to F%^# right off.

RE: My Vent

akare — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 10:52:28 GMT

Misspunk, i put "accusing" her not because I think it is, but because I think that is what your cousin, if she ever reads the letter, that is going to be her visceral reaction.

I honestly think you are right, and believe me, it is your right to cut ties with a person like that, I just believe this might escalate the issue instead of letting you be at peace, which is the objective.

As I say, this is the opinion of someone who is just trying to give advice based on my experience, and I'm sure other people will suggest you to do otherwise.

You are very right to be upset, I'm just thinking that sometimes the best way to punish someone is not giving them attention, and maybe that is another approach you can take. I would be sad if your cousin reacted even worst to the letter.

But well, as I said, I wish you best of luck because I have to acknowledge you are in a tough situation.
Send you many blessings.

RE: My Vent

lovemrk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:03:10 GMT

[quote][b]SofaQueen (8/8/2008)[/b][hr][quote][b]lovemrk (8/8/2008)[/b][hr]

Sorry missspunk, I don't mean to take over your thread but I have dealt with sooooo much in my personal life and yet I am one of the happiest, go lucky people in the world. You know why, I got rid of all that trash around me. The only regret I have, is that my parents didn't do the same because they did suffer internally. They didn't deserve that. NOONE deserves that! Life is too short!!! (proof I have is that my parents died pretty young). [/quote]

I agree with this point. Some people are toxic and you have to get rid of them.

Sorry to hear about your folks.[/quote]

Thank you Sofaqueen

RE: My Vent

MrsSofaQueen — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:21:22 GMT

[quote][b]lovemrk (8/8/2008)[/b][hr]

I agree with this point. Some people are toxic and you have to get rid of them.

Sorry to hear about your folks.

RE: My Vent

lovemrk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:33:08 GMT

Although this is missspunk's thread, I will respect that but I do have one comment about being an optimist. My mother was the eternal optimist and kept getting crapped on by my aunt and uncle. Always forgiving and forgetting, the Christian thing to do. Well my mother died and guess what.....none of them showed up at her funeral!!!

RE: My Vent

Missspunk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:31:47 GMT

bb

I totally see where you are coming from I to have thought that to. Only I continually get hurt by certain people because I let them treat me like crap and then I have this sense of loyalty that because they are family I should always forgive which opens the door for me getting hurt again. I will say this isn't the first or second or third time that I have been really hurt by this cousin and her mother. So it isn't like I am throwing in the towel with just one fight. I am just tired of being abused and then having to sit back and apologize and take all the blame so the relationship can move on. I need to do this for my self preservation and I have now come to the point that family does not give people an automatic right to treat you like crap and then just expect to be forgiven when it suits them. It takes a lot and I mean a lot before I get to this point. And I well beyond this point...... lol

RE: My Vent

bbeauchamp — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:17:45 GMT

I totally see how it would be relieving to send that letter...

I would be leary of actually sending the letter though- BUT that is just me as I/WE do not know the whole story....when it comes down to it, you do what you need to do.

To me it would depend on if you wanted to leave the door open for the future or like you said in the letter were to see each other on the street and not want to say hi. Sending the letter would make it difficult for either of you to reach out in the future (and I don't mean months, I more so mean 10 years down the road). I'm a hopeless optomistic though that people can change even if it takes 10 or more years...

RE: My Vent

lovemrk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:46:27 GMT

[quote][b]akare (8/8/2008)[/b][hr]Ok Misspunk.

How can I say this? Don't send it.

I read your letter and I understand what you want to say, and I know that you want closure, but I'm not sure this is the best way to do it. You could sure tell her that you are hurt but just "accusing" her although you are right, will totally worsen the situation.

Well, that is my humble advice, I just hope you can recuperate and feel better, what you went trough is tough, but you can go ahead and live a happy life nonetheless,

Best of luck,[/quote]

How can it be any worse??? Missspunk has lost 2 babies and almost died!! I think that says it all!!!!!

RE: My Vent

Missspunk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:42:31 GMT

Akare...I have been torn between sending it and not sending it. However your term "accusing" her...I don't know where you read I was accusing her. My idea of accusing is not knowing for sure what has happened and making an accusation without proof. However everything I have been through in the relationship with her is a direct result of her and her mothers actions. It isn't just a thought.

I sit torn because I would love to have a positive relationship with her and wouldn't want to throw away the opportunity to have that positive relationship but I also can not sit here waiting indefinately until the day comes that she decides she wants me in her life. I want her to know that I won't be here at her beck and call. I want her to know how her actions have made me feel and how I am not standing for it any longer. You have to understand my FH and I moved back home 9 hours away from where we were due to my cousin or I should say she was a large factor. All our friends were through them and I wanted to be with family which was her and my immediate family now I feel like I made FH leave a good job to move here and now we have no connections except for my parents and grandmother.

That being said I can understand you saying not to send it as if I did't I wouldn't be torn about it. But I just don't want any relationship if this is how I am goign to be treated. And not gettign a reply is like another slap in the face.

RE: My Vent

akare — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:03:00 GMT

Ok Misspunk.

How can I say this? Don't send it.

I read your letter and I understand what you want to say, and I know that you want closure, but I'm not sure this is the best way to do it. You could sure tell her that you are hurt but just "accusing" her although you are right, will totally worsen the situation.

Well, that is my humble advice, I just hope you can recuperate and feel better, what you went trough is tough, but you can go ahead and live a happy life nonetheless,

Best of luck,

RE: My Vent

faith87 — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 15:38:28 GMT

im sorry, that must have been really hard to do. Sorry about all your health complications as well, glad you are ok. I dont really feel like im in a place to tell you what to do or what not to do, but all I wanted to say was, like you wrote in the letter, we dont get to choose our family. Sometimes we meet total strangers and over time they become closer to us than some family members are. I think thats what counts. Its not just the title of aunt or cousin that means something, its the actions that count. I consider my best friend to be my sister, yet I have an uncle who I havent spoken with in 8 years, but what are you going to do? I would much rather have my best friend to call family.

Wish you the best of luck

RE: My Vent

lovemrk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 15:33:19 GMT

Oh my God missspunk....I just bawled my head off. First of all I am so sorry for the loss of your two babies. Unbelievable that you have had to go through that but then to top it all off, you almost died. You are one strong and courageous woman. Having gone through all this trauma, you have this cousin that has shut you out. Your letter was compelling!!! You couldn't have been more tactful and diplomatic. You were to the point and I completely admire you for that. You have made the right choice to move on without her in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband and sincerely, I mean this, GOD BLESS YOU TWO!!!! LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

RE: My Vent

Missspunk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:56:51 GMT

Since i wrote this post I ended up in the hospital I almost died. I had a tubal pregnancy and my right fallopian tube ruptured and I had to have emergency surgery. I figured if anything would bring us together or make me want them in my life would be this event. Instead I am as determined as ever. As August 30 gets closer I feel more determined that they will be out of my life. I have drafted a letter that I want to send my cousin, I am debating on sending it as is or editing it and sending it. I feel as though for me to have closure I need to send her something to ensure she knows how I feel and where I stand. So the following is the letter.

[b]Whether you continue to read this or not I will always assume that you chose to read this letter in its entirety.

As family we have gone through a lot of ups and downs. It saddens me that you have chosen to take family and throw it away. You maintain that nothing is more important to you than family. I feel that for you there is nothing more important so long as you are getting your own way.

Almost a year now and if you want to be exact it was 9 months and a little bit. You chose to cut me out of your life with the help of your mother. The issue I had was between your mother and I. I thought that her and I came to an understanding and maybe she told you or maybe she didn’t but we had a long talk, apologized to each other and came to an understanding. After being thrown out of your house by your lovely husband, I tried on several occasions to call you and talk to you, however my calls went unanswered and messages unreturned. Your mother told me to give you your space and let you come to me. I have done that for 9 months and you choose not to reach out. That is your right and your prerogative but don’t ever fool yourself and convince yourself that your family means everything to you because it is very apparent to the rest of us (the family) that it is not.

I even went one step further and sent you an invite to our wedding. I again reached out to show you that I have no hard feelings and initiated contact but you have thrown that away. Family is supposed to be there for each other. On the days that I could have used the support of my cousin the most I felt I could not turn to her. Since November I have lost 2 babies been hospitalized twice and almost died on one of those occasions. I wanted to reach out to you but you have made it very clear you want nothing to do with me.

I have not committed murder, I have not stolen, I have not done anything soo horrible as to be excommunicated from you. Although we have gone through a lot Jim and I both deserved a reply to our invite. We both deserve that much respect. You may not want anything to do with me, you may not want me as family, that is your choice and at this point I no longer care if you are in or out of my life. But we did however deserve a reply.

So from your actions and lack there of, I no longer consider you family. We can not choose our family and therefore we should not be forced to feel obligated to be nice to those that we really have no feelings for. This has gone on way too long, I have waited for you to come to me for way too long. I do not NEED your friendship or need you as a cousin.

I no longer have a cousin Christine and if you see me on the street you can keep on going. We are strangers and I prefer to keep it that way, I do not need such negativity in my life.
[/b]

RE: My Vent

lovemrk — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 11:06:51 GMT

[quote][b]pbz (6/22/2008)[/b][hr]wow- what goes around comes around eh?

so aunt D can't handle a taste of her own medicine? too bad!

many people in this world are very selfish. and each of us is related to at least one.

it's your wedding. invite whom you want. if they come, great, if they decline, that's their business and their loss. enjoy your day.[/quote]

AMEN!!!!

RE: My Vent

lovemrk — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 11:05:47 GMT

Missspunk...First of all my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you are going through but I have learned one thing in my life....the two most important people in my life were taken away from me (my parents)and I promised myself that there would be absolutely no one on this earth that I would allow to get me upset/frustrated. There is alot of garbage in this world and what do you do with garbage??? You throw it out/get rid of it. I had to do that with a couple of friends. Couldn't care less if they are around. I am a much happier person since they were "tossed". Now, sorry to sound harsh but if you have to do the same with your aunt and cousin, so be it.I am tired of always trying to be pleasant and the better person. It's amazing how when they do things, it's acceptable but when you do it, it's the end of the world. You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to and certainly not to please anyone else. I know you were close to her but obviously she didn't even give you the time of day when the incident occurred and now she wants you to beg her for forgiveness/friendship? NOT!!! Life is too short my friend! Live a long happy life with the man that loves you!

RE: My Vent

pbz — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 10:42:58 GMT

wow- what goes around comes around eh?

so aunt D can't handle a taste of her own medicine? too bad!

many people in this world are very selfish. and each of us is related to at least one.

it's your wedding. invite whom you want. if they come, great, if they decline, that's their business and their loss. enjoy your day.

RE: My Vent

sarahandrob2010 — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 08:21:49 GMT

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that :( It sounds to me like your Aunt D has some serious self esteem and self confidence issues, and she plays it up (the hostess role, etc) to make herself feel better, because it's the only way she knows how. It doesn't excuse it, but that's what it sounds like to this outside observer.

You certainly don't have to invite your Aunt, especially if your parents agree with this decision. It sounds like she can't take her own medicine.

I hope you get the response you're looking for. It's so hard when we cut family ties.

My Vent

Missspunk — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 23:39:07 GMT

Yep I have a vent. Just feel like getting this off my chest. i will try to give explanation while at the same time keep it as least confusing as possible.

My mom is an only child but her cousin is like a sister and I grew up calling her "Aunt D" her daughter my cousin and I were close as children but not so much as teenagers and early adults. But I moved away from home for 10 years and we became close on my visits home my FH and I spent time with her and her DH and well we became really close over the last few years. It came to the point that when my grandfather passed away I had a really hard time and my cousin and her DH were a big contributing factor to us moving back to my home town.

Keep in mind my "Aunt D" has never gotten along with my dad and I really can't stand the woman. She is a person that is all show. She does things just for attention. She can't invite people over for dinner to just be nice it is a huge production and it is a more look at me and how well I cook how great I clean and look at all the fancy new dishes I bought. She is a person that knows very little about anything argues about everything and thinks that she knows more than any doctor lawyer teacher etc. She is bossy and looks down on everyone. Needless to say I am not her biggest fan. My Aunt D is malicious and does things to make herself feel important and better then everyone else.

So back in october my parents were out of town, my FH was out of town I was at home by myself and my aunt planned a surprise birthday party for my cousin. Keep in mind my cousin and I have been super close. To the point that I bought a house about 20 houses down from her. We spent every third day together and ever weekend at each others house. Her Dh and my FH both enjoyed each other.

So anyways my aunt has this party and neglects to invite me. SHe invited people that were friends to my cousin for a short time. I was really hurt by this. My aunt has always done very cruel things. So I decided enough was enough. I called her up and told her I was hurt that she had not included me. She proceeded to tell me she only had enough room for 10 people which is total BS as I have seen her do bigger parties and dinner before. Then when I told her that she back peddled and said well I only invited the others because "C" has been friends with them for so long. I replied with "Yeah for 18 months I have been her cousin my entire life. Then my aunt proceeded to yell and scream at me. She told me it was her house and she has every right to invite who she wanted. If I was not one of them then I should accept that and I had no right to be upset. I told her I just wanted to inform her that I was hurt but that if I wasn't important enough to include in my cousins dinner party then not to worry about it but now I know where she stands. I hung up. Well my aunt went bullistic told my cousin a bunch of lies. So now my cousin has not talked to me since October. I have tried to call my cousin, appologize for anything I may have done and they would not answer the phones or return calls. So then I hear from mutual friends that they now want me to call and virtually beg for forgiveness. I am sorry I tried several times in oct and they would not give me the courtesy so now it is up to them. However despite how I felt my FH said that I should be the bigger person and invite them to the wedding. So I invited my cousin and her husband but refuse to invite Aunt D which my mom and dad are supportive on. So just two days ago my Aunt D called my grandmother crying hysterical that my cousin and great aunt got an invite and not her and she doesn't understand what she did.

My theory now is "It is my wedding I have a right to invite who I want I don't need to explain my reasoning and she doesn't have a right to be hurt" Which I don't really feel that way as she is family and probably should be invited but she has done sooo many crappy things to me my brother my dad and even my mom at times that I don't want her there. And by her own words as she didn't need to explain why I wasn't invited and as it was her party I had no right to be hurt.

Now I am also at the point that if my cousin declines my invite I will be ok with this also because it is out of town but my Fh and my parents have been told if she does not even give me the courtesy of a reply I will cut her out of my life. I am tired of all these negative people. I have been hurt enough by them. Since our falling out I have gotten engaged and didn't share it with them. UNtil they got the invite they didn't even know we got engaged. I have also had two tubal pregnancies and ended up in the hospital on both occasions and could have used family support but again they have no idea that even happened. I don't feel comfortable sharing that with them.

Anyways I hope I get a reply because I really don't want to cut them out of my life for good but I will. I have done it to others in the past and although it was difficult, sometimes you have to cut the cancer out and get rid of it so you can be healthier. If they don't reply they will then be viewed as a cancer in my life and I will get rid of it.