My parents were divorced when I was three and they have both since remarried.  I don't really get along with my father but for some odd reason I really want him to walk me down the isle and to have my father daughter dance with him.  My step father has been more of a father to me and a grandfather to my kids then my own dad.  He treats my mother so well its awesome.  Here's the problem.. My father has told me that he will and that he will not be coming to the wedding.. depends on the day I guess.  I really want him to walk me down the isle.  My step father will be there with bells on.  He has been very supportive of me.  I don't know what to do.. IF my father comes to the wedding then who will walk me down the isle?  DAD OR STEP DAD?  I was thinking I could prevent any hard feelings to them both if I had my sons do it.. but then my selfish longing to have my dad walk me down the isle kicks in.  I used to be "daddies little girl" but I grew up and saw him for the real him and voiced my own independent thought and he didn't like that one bit.. thus the tension between us.. among other things.  That still doesn't take the longing away.  I don't want to hurt my step father because he is a great man but if my dad doesn't show then I almost think it would be better to walk alone.  What about the father daughter dance?  If my dad shows up then I want to have it.  I will probably do a step dad dance aswell in that case.. BUT if my father doesn't show.. then I want nothing to do with the whole thing and that includes the step dad dance.  I know that comes across as selfish and it probably is.. but it will hurt me so much to know that once again I wasn't good enough for my own father.  I would be to upset to do that kind of dance and that wouldn't fair to my step dad or me.  I don't want my step dad to feel like he's a replacement or that he isn't good enough.  I just think it will hurt me to much to do those things with anyone else.  If there is one thing in this wedding(other then marrying my hunny) its to have my father there and to have his support.. to have the father daughter dance and to have him walk me down the isle even if we don't see eye to eye.. maybe its just me wanting to have his support more then anything and that would be the way he would show it to me.  I don't know. .. . all I know is that I am conflicted and hurting and don't know what to do. 

~~~~~~~~We did it~~~~~~~~

http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?coupleid=3275537065903750

Wow.... tough situation.

It seems you are seeking support and approval from your father who thinks it is perfectly ok to change his mind as he changes his underpants whether he attends your wedding or not.  I think you need to talk to him to set that straight first and foremost.

Now, your stepdad sounds like a wonderful man who has been there for you and supports and approves of your marriage.  I can see why you would have difficulty choosing between him and your real dad.

If your dad walks you down the aisle, and you do the father/daughter dance, I agree you should do one to honour your stepdad too! it will mean so much to your stepdad if you did include him in that  way.

No offence, but your real dad sounds like he's manipulative and controlling. He is saying he will be coming to the wedding, then not coming etc ... why? Make a decision and stick with it, in my books. You are his daughter ... what could possibly keep him from your wedding? Again, is it to be manipulative and controlling?? Something to think about??

I like the idea of your sons walking you up the aisle. That would solve the problem of the walk up the aisle, regardless if your dad shows or not. If he does show, you can still do both dances with your dad and stepdad.

 

    MrsMtobe 

~Live and let live ~

Mod Squad Moderator 

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.
 

  Mrs. M and loving it!!! 

You named only a few of my fathers personality traits and there is no offence taken.. he is a whole hell of alot worse then that.  Thats why I am so conflicted.. I don't understand why I would want a man who is such an %*^hole to walk me down the aisle.  I have talked to him and told him that its important to me that he be there regardless of the past and he said to me" I am not coming to your wedding to sooth your ego."  As much as that hurt I had to say "its not about my ego, your my father and I want you there, but I understand." his response was"you mean thats all I had to say."  I proceeded to tell him that as much as its going to hurt and as dissappointed I am I can't force him to come.  Through the whole conversation his wife was laughing in the background about it all. My father changes his mind from one minute to the next.. it that same conversation he continued on like it was nothing asking questions about the hall and where they would stay and about there truck being able to make to toronto.  GRRR!! why does he play with my head and emotions like that.  Normally I wouldn't talk to him after he pulled something like that .. but I am taking it because I want him to be there so bad.   I think I might just go with the idea of my boys giving me away...it seems appropriate.  How can I go about not hurting my step dad if my dad doesn't come and I decide not to do the dance?  I don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough.

~~~~~~~~We did it~~~~~~~~

http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?coupleid=3275537065903750

How sad to read that your father's wife was laughing in the background ... makes me wanna bytch slap her ... ughhhhh

As for your dad ... he's trying to regain control of "his little girl" by manipulating you and making you feel guilty (look at his responses ... total manipulating and trying to make you feel guilty in my opinion).

ok hang on a sec ....

so in the same conversation your father asks questions about the hall etc.. as if he was coming to the wedding? MIND GAMES ... again .. manipulative games to control you... don't fall victim to that.

I understand you want your dad there ... but when he acts like this, would you really want him there on your dad acting like this? I'm not so sure I'd want him there or his wife .. I'd wanna smack her upside the head!

this is what I honestly feel ... your dad doesnt deserve any special recognition especially with what you say he said above ... and changing his mind and playing games.  If I were in your shoes, I'd have my sons walk me up the aisle ... and during the reception, I'd have a special dance with my stepdad EVEN IF MY REAL DAD WAS THERE.... WHY??? ... because here you have a man that respects you, treats you well, supports you emotionally at all times and your decision to take the all important step of marriage ... he's been more of a father than just a stepfather... know what I mean?? 

With your dad pulling this crap .. I would deny HIM and ONLY HIM the pleasure of dancing with you on your wedding day. But don't deny your stepdad the pleasure of a special dance just because your real dad may not choose to attend.  Give him that pleasure. And, if your dad does show up, maybe when he sees you dancing with your stepdad to a special song he will realize the error of his ways and finally regret his manipulative behaviour.

    MrsMtobe 

~Live and let live ~

Mod Squad Moderator 

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.
 

  Mrs. M and loving it!!! 

Jenn

Marrying my Soulmate

 May 12, 2007

      Thank you again.. you are so right!  As far as knocking my dads wife across the head trust me.. I HAVE WANTED TO DO THAT FOR MANY MANY YEARS!  She is just as bad as he is.. she chose him over her own kids(but thats another story all in itself).  Neither one deserve for me to think twice about them. My mom tells me all the time.. don't worry about it, everything will work out the way its suppose to.  I think that maybe I will just swallow the hurt and honor my step dad whether or not my father comes.  He does deserve it!!!

~~~~~~~~We did it~~~~~~~~

http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?coupleid=3275537065903750