|
|
|
 
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 7/8/2006 11:35:20 PM
Posts: 185,
Visits: 114
|
|
My SIL was married around 8 years ago, it's my fiance's half sister actually. She now has three kids, and a fairly unhappy life, they are financially very stressed, lately she has had to get a night/weekend job just so they can try and pay their bills (she confided in me that they aren't). When I named my BM's and my MOH she was very upset that I have not included her and her three daughters in my wedding party. The problem is that I don't think that it would be fair to ask her to buy a dress that she can not afford, or to have to buy new dresses for her three daughters so that they could all be in the wedding party. Our parents are paying for the wedding, but they have put us on a budget, and it's not in the budget to spend $200 for a dress for her alone. I also don't think it would be fair to us if we had to change the dresses that we picked (yes my fiance helped me pick the dresses out) so that she would be able to afford them. My flower girl and ring bearer are brother and sister, which is why I chose them instead of my future nieces, since I did not want to look like I was picking favorites with my three future nieces. She's starting to get really bossy with my wedding, when I'm around the family and we are brainstorming ideas, what am I supposed to do? I'm so happy and excited about my wedding, but I don't want her around because of her mood. Should I just understand that she is jealous (that's what my mother says) that my fiance and I are better off than her? HELP ME PLEASE !!!!
June 30, 2007 Is my favorite day
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 4/17/2008 7:27:36 PM
Posts: 160,
Visits: 1,587
|
|
heather972 (4/17/2006)
My SIL was married around 8 years ago, it's my fiance's half sister actually. She now has three kids, and a fairly unhappy life, they are financially very stressed, lately she has had to get a night/weekend job just so they can try and pay their bills (she confided in me that they aren't). When I named my BM's and my MOH she was very upset that I have not included her and her three daughters in my wedding party. The problem is that I don't think that it would be fair to ask her to buy a dress that she can not afford, or to have to buy new dresses for her three daughters so that they could all be in the wedding party. Our parents are paying for the wedding, but they have put us on a budget, and it's not in the budget to spend $200 for a dress for her alone. I also don't think it would be fair to us if we had to change the dresses that we picked (yes my fiance helped me pick the dresses out) so that she would be able to afford them. My flower girl and ring bearer are brother and sister, which is why I chose them instead of my future nieces, since I did not want to look like I was picking favorites with my three future nieces. She's starting to get really bossy with my wedding, when I'm around the family and we are brainstorming ideas, what am I supposed to do? I'm so happy and excited about my wedding, but I don't want her around because of her mood. Should I just understand that she is jealous (that's what my mother says) that my fiance and I are better off than her? HELP ME PLEASE !!!!Talk to her face-to-face in private. Tell her that you don't know whether she had anyone interfering with her wedding plans eight years ago but there is no way that you will tolerate any interference with your plans. Remind her that very soon, she is about to become your sister in law and it would be best for all around if you and her could become friends. In order for that to happen, she needs to back off on her wedding sniping because you have picked your wedding party already and it's not changing for her, her kids or anyone else. She needs to understand that you are not going to tolerate her sh>t now or in the future. Once you stand up to her and set the ground rules, she will likely stop her behaviour. That will be a good thing, not only for your wedding but also for all those future events, such as Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays etc. etc. EL
Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. 
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 11/23/2007 2:24:21 PM
Posts: 161,
Visits: 1,294
|
|
It's possible that she is jealous, it is also possible that she doesn't understand why you didn't ask her to be a part of the wedding party. Her bossy attitude may be her attempting to demonstrate that she wants to be more involved in the wedding. As in most of these situations it's probably best to talk to her about how she feels and try to work out a compromise on how she can be involved int he wedding without her having to spend money on a dress she wouldn't otherwise need.
Cole
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 10:42:28 PM
Posts: 3,149,
Visits: 3,078
|
|
| you know.. one of my cousins is so broke that she had to have three people pay for her bridesmaid dress.. why have her in the wedding if she can't afford a dress.. let alone her bills.. I can understand your frustration you do need to take her aside (as EL said) and put her in her place.. She is probably jealous.. no surprise..
Jules 
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Yesterday @ 3:47:37 PM
Posts: 145,
Visits: 1,440
|
|
| Instead of thinking that this girl is jealous of me, I would instead treat her with some compassion. It is possible that she is hurt that you didn't ask her to be in your wedding party, or that you didn't have her children in your wedding party. I am the first to say that you are perfectly able to choose whomever you want to have in your wedding party, but you also need to remember that some people may get their feathers ruffled when they are not chosen, especially if they feel they are close enough to you to be chosen. You say that you didn't choose her because you didn't think it was fair to have her spend the money, since she is having money problems - I understand that, but, did you give her the choice or did you just automatically assume she wouldn't be able to manage it? I would have gone to her and said, "Look, I really would love to have you as a bridesmaid and/or I would really love to have your kids in the party, but I understand you are having problems with money, and I would completely understand if you choose to say no because of that, but I at least wanted to let you know that you were important to me". That way, it was her choice to say no (or to decide that she wants to say yes, and scrape up the money somehow), and she has no reason to be upset. You say she is having a difficult life right now - so her feelings of being hurt (if that is what she is feeling) may be amplified right now, you know? However, if you just didn't want her in the wedding party at all well, then that's different story, but I am assuming from your post that you would have asked her if she was not having money problems.
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 5/25/2006 12:13:04 AM
Posts: 65,
Visits: 151
|
|
| The fact that she even confided in you about her financial difficulties seems to imply that you two are close - or at least that she thought you were close. It seems possible that she is not jealous, but hurt - if she thought you were friends, she may have expected to share in your happiness. Not everybody is jealous of a bride... but often people are hurt when they feel shut out. If they care for you, then not being able to find a way to help or be part of such an important part of your life can be very hurtful for some people.
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Moderators
Last Login: Yesterday @ 11:06:25 PM
Posts: 1,951,
Visits: 4,579
|
|
| I would simply explain to her that you didn't want to add more financial stress to her by asking her to be in the wedding or even her girls and have to pay for a special dress for just one day. Have her girls take part in the wedding in some other way, that wont cost your FSIL any money ... they can hand out programs or favors etc. Have your FSIL do a reading. That way they are all included in the wedding day somehow, but don't have to spend money to do it. I would also encourage my FH to have a heart to heart with her about her attitude and remarks. She's frustrated about her finances, and so worried that she isnt realizing that she's coming across as jealous and nasty. Be gentle with her. Financial strains turn people into someone they would never be otherwise. A sample conversation: (your FH should have this conversation with his sister) Jane, we didnt ask you or the girls to be in the wedding party because we didnt want to add to your stress right now. We know you are having a difficult time financially, and we just didnt want to burden you with the thought of having to buy a dress for yourself and the girls and where the money might come from for that. We would feel horrible if your cable got cut off or your phone, just so that you could buy a dress for our wedding for yourself or the girls. While we cant afford to pay for dresses for you, we want to include you in another way and have the girls hand out our programs or favors. We arent trying to exclude you on purpose. That isn't our intention. You are having a difficult time right now, and we understand that. We know you are stressing and that you arent yourself. However, you' ve been acting different lately, and its upsetting us because you are saying some things that really arent true or nice. I value our friendship and want us to be as close as we can be, and that's why I'm being honest with you ... your snide remarks have to stop, or it's going to put distance between us, and I know that is something that we both dont want. We are here for you, but please, no more snide remarks about my wedding or anything. "
MrsMtobe ~Live and let live ~ Mod Squad Moderator | | | |